Okay, allow me to come clean here: I casually mentioned in
another post that I was dealing with a lot of emotional baggage not-too-long-ago, and as a result I entered the scary world of self-harm. As you may have guessed, it was far from fun. But there was much more to it than people will probably believe. So I am here to dispel the rumors about this condition, and instead try to end the stigma.
As a kid, I had a tough time fitting in at my Catholic school. I was bullied for nine years straight, and I was also frequently teased by my family while going through a bit of verbal abuse by my parents, though it did quiet down by the time I was about seven. This was all compounded by the fact that I was attempting to hide my lapse from the Christian faith, as well as attempting to deal with my sexuality while also trying to punish myself for it because I had been told it was wrong. I went through many years of depression, but never recognized it as such until I was older, simply because there were some people who didn't want to deal with this and simply told me to "get over it". As a result, I felt alone, and ignored, and ashamed of myself. I feel that the worst part of the experience was how I fell in love with another girl in my class (secretly, of course), who later committed suicide. It hit me hard, but I could never explain to others specifically why it was so painful, because I had been keeping my true self under wraps for so long that I was denying who I was. As a result, I stayed quiet. And for a while, I was able to suppress this pain long enough to have a decent experience in high school. But for some reason, all of that pain resurfaced in college, which led me to seek a more desperate way of dealing with it.
The first time I cut was out of morbid curiosity, when I was about twelve. I had heard of kids who cut, and was fascinated by how they could bring themselves to do it. As a result, I took out a small knife and made a tiny incision on my arm. It wasn't deep, but it did hurt a lot, and it scared me enough that I didn't think about it for a few years. But then, after leaving my hometown (for 12 hours each day, at least) to go to community college, everything changed. The bullying, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, the pain of hiding myself from the world…for some reason, the act of moving away from where it all happened, and putting myself in a position to look at it from the outside, caused all of that pain to come hit me like a ton of bricks. I was already under stress because of school and work, and now I had my past to deal with. What fun! For a while I simply subjected myself to personal mental abuse, telling myself to get over it and stop being a baby. I was reiterating what everyone else had been yelling at me for years. And of course, that only made it worse. So, eventually I used a razor to get rid of the pain. I can't remember when I started cutting for real; when you cut, as I have heard and experienced personally, you feel detached from yourself, like you aren't really there. Likewise, I didn't feel like myself when I cut, but rather a scared and vulnerable child. Her memories, and her feelings, were making those cuts. It was my nightmares all over again.
I discovered over time that I was cutting for several reasons. The biggest reason was primarily stress, brought on by bad memories and pain I never dealt with, along with the pressure to get perfect grades and behave. At that point, I was so on edge that it seemed like the only way to relieve the pain, coupled with how after a while, I didn't even feel it. Plus, cutting was quick and easy, and I did not feel like I had anyone to talk to about this. But cutting did bring its side effects. To put it short, I was miserable. I cried more often, and my depression worsened. Cutting did bring some of the pain to light, but I was dealing with it in such a destructive way that all of the raw emotions became worse, and I began harboring a seething hatred for the bullies, and to some degree my parents, since they sent me to the school. I also felt like they had ignored the bullying and the depression, though I realize now that this grudge was somewhat unjustified because they may have been just as scared and helpless as I was. And of course, upon realizing that I shouldn't be so angry at certain people, I felt guilty, which translated to more cuts. I was wallowing in my own misery and hated myself for it. As the red marks multiplied on my arms, I had trouble sleeping, and lost interest in everything. I felt like a zombie, unmotivated and unstimulated. As if I was just an empty shell, and nothing more. I truly felt worthless; I became jealous of others simply because of their happiness, of their friends and family and satisfaction with life. This jealousy ate away at me, too, and strained some of my relationships.
The biggest emotion I felt while cutting, other than guilt, was fear. This culture already holds a stigma against mental illness, and knowing this made me terrified that someone would discover my secret and immediately begin to judge me. I began wearing long sleeves all of the time, so much that my sweatshirts became worn out (I did use this to an advantage and added safety pins to make it look "punk", which added to my disguise). I listened to sad music to worsen the pain, in the hopes that it would cause a stronger purge of emotion when I cut, so I could possibly deal with it better (to this day I cannot listen to "Black Hole Sun", "Doll Parts", "Misguided Ghosts", or "Hurt" without feeling a tightness in my chest). And of course, I told no one. The only person I came close to telling verbally was my coworker. He was the only person I could think of who had no knowledge of my background, or had ever met my parents or otherwise knew anyone connected to my hometown. It was getting to the point where I had to tell someone, and I decided that he would be the one to tell. So I wrote him a letter, explaining what had happened and why I was so quiet, and how when I wasn't quiet I was constantly making jokes, and why. I had to keep up a persona so that nobody would suspect anything was wrong. I mean, okay, people regularly pointed out how weird and quiet I was, but I knew they would never suspect self-harm. While it is a known fact, we never suspect that our friends and family are doing it. We always assume that bad things will happen to someone else, which is why a stigma against mental health still exists.
I did finally stop cutting around March. I realized how much my connection to my Christian faith and the painful memories it evoked was giving me stress and anxiety, so I knew it needed to go. The transition was rocky, but upon discovering the positives of paganism, I began to heal. I focused on forgiveness and trying to accept myself for who I really was: a bisexual Wiccan. I came to the conclusion that I had to accept my true self before I went over the edge, and I am thankful that I found the strength. At the time that I am writing this, I have gone 59 days without cutting, and I am doing much better. I have accepted that I went through a painful period in my life, and can now choose to talk through it instead of repressing emotions until I hurt myself. I am now proud of who I am, and am ready to move on through life as a mature adult.
So since this is being written before my coworker reads my confession (I told him not to open it for another week), while I remain terrified over how he will react, I am here to offer some advice and help end the stigma. Here is what I want to say to anyone who has self-harmed, is self-harming, or is thinking of doing so:
1. Try to identify the reasons why you are doing this to yourself. Cutting, for me, brought up the fact that I had a lot of emotional issues to deal with, and acted as a wake-up call for my mental health. After a while, I recognized that it became almost like a drug, to the point where it was just routine and I couldn't seem to stop myself. So the next time you think of picking up the razor blade, ask yourself if your friends or family would want you to do this. Debate if physically harming yourself will really make your problems go away. I can assure you that they won't; in fact, cutting might just make them worse. Recognize this fact, and seek out help.
2. Write out your feelings. I wrote in my journal a lot while I was cutting. I flip through it now, and I'll admit it's scary, but it also shows that I pulled myself out of a hole that I desperately needed to leave. When I wrote down my feelings, I discovered new things about myself, and realized things that I needed to accept about myself as well. As a result, I was no longer in the dark, and I started to wean myself off of self-harm.
3. Find constructive ways to deal with stress. This relates to the point above. Write, read a book, listen to music (somewhat-positive music, I hope), exercise, hang out with your friends, play with your cat or dog. Releasing your energy doesn't and shouldn't have to involve hurting yourself. Digging yourself into a deeper pit of depression will not help you, only hurt you. Avoid the razor and focus on other stress-management activities.
4.
Remember you are not alone. Tons of people go through these types of emotions in their lives, though not everyone self-harms. You should not be ashamed over having inexplicable feelings of guilt, hopelessness, anxiety, or anger. We are human, we often feel things that we can't explain. And that's 100% fine. There are thousands of online and personal resources to help you. Some tips are listed here if you are interested:
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm. Understand that you are not the first or last person to come down this road and that with a little support, it will get better.
5. But if you still don't want to talk about it, that's fine too. Obviously this is something very difficult to talk about. Help doesn't have to mean speaking directly to a friend or family member; you are dealing with some very raw pain, and not everyone will react to this in a positive way. You could deal with your pain by doing any of the activities I listed, or even just find a person you trust and say, "Could I talk to you about something?" You are probably terrified, but listen: it is better that you recognize these emotions and learn to deal with them instead of having them escalate into something worse because you were trying to suppress them. Trying to avoid them will only make them worse, so when you are ready, I recommend that you confront them head-on and find solutions.
Writing this has helped me a lot. If you know anyone who has also gone through this, please share. Let's start the conversation and end the stigma.
Thanks,
The Gothic Bohemian
