So you're in a horror movie and you really don't feel like dying in a terribly gruesome fashion? You aren't alone. Plenty of characters survive horror films, despite the genre, and after comprehensively researching their techniques, I have compiled the following tips.
1. You don't need a cellphone at night or in a remote part of the country because it won't work anyway.
2. If you are experiencing a haunting in your home, then MOVE. Unless the spirit "latches" itself to you, in which case you are screwed.
3. An axe is a very handy weapon that can be used to appropriately dismember zombies and other undead entities.
4. Don't go camping with a bunch of friends if someone suggested the trip despite having no prior knowledge about the location, or generally any knowledge about being out in the woods.
5. Refrain from having sex when strange occurrences are happening because it makes you an easy target.
6. Dress conservatively. If you have the appearance of a stripper or ego-maniacal athlete you will be one of the first ones taken out.
7. When people look at dark or abandoned places and say something along the lines of, "Let's check out this creepy place for no reason whatsoever other than to act upon our own egos", it is a sign you should not follow them.
8. Make sure your parents actually care about you and don't let you just wander off when there's a killer on the loose.
9. Leave ancient books and verses alone. Just bury them in the ground or something.
10. If you encounter a home intruder, sit in the closet with a gun and simply shoot at whatever comes by. (Why doesn't anyone ever do this if it's a perfectly rational solution?)
11. Assume that the police and investigative reporters are terrible at their jobs and learn to fend for yourself.
12. Always have a weapon on hand.
13. A map would not be a bad idea either.
14. Check your trunk and backseat before driving anywhere.
15. If you are on the run from something, do NOT get out of your car. Drive into a well-populated area and cause a scene.
16. If you are on foot during a chase sequence, take off your heels. It may also help to get rid of other items, such as a backpack, that will slow you down.
17. Do not trust elderly people who live in the middle of nowhere. Actually, don't trust anyone who lives in the middle of nowhere.
18. Disregard certain local legends and you are pretty much guaranteed to die.
19. Always make sure that you know where you are going.
20. Never hitchhike, and never pick up a hitchhiker.
21. If you hear banging on the door, barricade it, and stand by with a weapon.
22. Stay away from neighbors that seem a little strange.
23. Do not trust the government.
24. Do not hide under the bed or in the closet; serial killers are not usually that stupid.
25. Do not attempt to climb a tree unless you are positive that there is no way for someone to light a fire under it.
26. Zombies come in many varieties and may move slow or be able to run as fast as you. Don't try to guess unless you are willing to bet your life on it.
27. Avoid drugs and alcohol at night.
28. Make sure to do research and find out if your family has some type of dark past that may come back to haunt you.
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