The androids are coming....

And I'm not talking about phones.

"Treasure Planet" Film Review

Treasure Planet seems to be one of those Disney movies that everyone forgets about, and then when it comes up later they realize, "Wait...Disney made that?" And rightfully so. This film is one of the weirdest things to ever come out of Disney. Back then, in 2002, steampunk was really just starting out, and people thought it was quite odd. You wouldn't know that now, considering that steampunk is currently one of the most popular subcultures. But for some reason, Disney knew early on that it was going to be big, so they probably thought, "Hey, let's do Treasure Island in that type of weird steampunk theme; we'll start a trend." And maybe they did, or....did they?

Disney has built up a reputation of clever and endearing children's movies, which usually feature talking animals and goofy characters. So science-fiction stuff just isn't their strongpoint. I understand that they really made an effort in terms of special effects and production design, and that works well. But the weakest component to the story is basically the characters. In previous Disney movies, stories that require humans to interact with anthropomorphic creatures almost always works; perhaps this is due to how the characters are goofy and not taken too seriously. In this movie, however, the seriousness just makes everything come off as awkward. It's weird to see the characters interact with each other in a dignified manner despite being two different species. 

"But wait, doesn't that mean that this is a world in which species interacting with each other positively is a metaphorical representation against real-life racism and isolationism?" 

Yeah, I suppose, but such a concept has been done before. At least in similar movies where different species interact with each other, there's enough humor to poke fun at the situation in which you feel like the movie is saying, "Ha, get it? It's funny because animals aren't supposed to talk!" But when the movie fails to do such a thing, and promotes the idea so seriously that it feels like such interactions are supposed to be completely normal, then it just feels weird. 

This movie is pretty dry. You would expect more humor from Disney at this point in their career, but that rarely happens when they do an "experimental" film such as this one. I guess that they may have also been trying to attract teenagers to come see their movies. However, being a teenager who is obsessed with Disney only recently became an item. Treasure Planet missed that boat, and lost its chance to become a memorable Disney film through a concept that was just too ambitious at the time. 

Overall rating: 5/10

"Despicable Me 2" Film Review

Most of the time, I try to avoid kids movies. Not because I have anything against them, because there are always a few (like Spirited Away or Toy Story 3) that stand out and do the job of catering to both the kids and the parents. That being said, I always wanted to watch scarier, sexier, more violent movies when I was a kid, and for years I was forced to watch movies that were more "appropriate" for my age. Now that I am practically an adult I am very much enjoying how I can basically watch whatever I want. Yet there are times when I let my guard down to see if a recent kiddie movie is any good. Sometimes it works out okay, and other times.....eh. 

Let's face it, people; the movies that have come out this summer so far have not really raised the bar too high, with the exception of Man of Steel. I needed something to do on Monday, so this is what came up. I understand that the concept of not-making-a-sequel-because-the-story-should-end-where-the-last-movie-ended is pretty foreign to most Hollywood directors, and this movie proves just that. I did like the first movie a lot. Despicable Me was mostly original, it was funny, and had enough wit to entertain the kids, teenagers, and parents. Too bad it did well, because as soon as that happens the Hollywood producers start insisting on a sequel, and usually it happens. And those sequels, like this one, are wholly unnecessary. 

The plot centers around Gru, who is now a single dad to his three adopted daughters. He is kidnapped and brought to the headquarters of the Anti-Villain League because they want to recruit him to help stop a mystery villain from using a stolen serum to destroy the planet. Gru is then assigned a female partner named Lucy and they snoop around the local mall to catch the perpetrator. But the pressure to provide the girls with a mother and troubling details from the past are complicating things for Gru. 

I will give this film credit because I understand that computer animation (or any animation) is a real bitch and you have to be in-it-to-win-it when you are a part of that type of movie. That being said, there have been better computer animated movies. I know that, because this is a kids movie, producers think they can get away with overdone or terrible jokes and minor plot inconsistencies because of the old, "Ah, kids, they're too stupid to understand" reasoning. But they have to understand that parents (and to some degree, teenagers) are probably coming along as well, so they have to be entertained as well. Sure, kids need stuff shoved in their faces "in case they don't get it", but I think that most kids can figure most of the plot out on their own, so you don't need to make every plot "twist" so blatantly and obviously foreshadowed that it's simply annoying. Also, there are a few inconsistencies with the characters at certain points, most notably when Lucy acts a bit cold when she kidnaps Gru and then all of the sudden she's a nice girl. And some of the designs for this film are a little uncomfortable. The colors are so bright that it feels like every inch of the screen is shouting at you, or it seems like you've died and gone to some Play-Doh heaven. 

The biggest issue presented in the movie is the concept of single parenting. They touch on it a lot, and I was wondering if this has made any single parent uncomfortable. They also try to dumb down the concept considerably so kids will understand it, which is kind of weird considering the seriousness it presents. I'm not saying that Hollywood is trying to start domestic arguments or anything, but introducing somewhat-mature and serious issues into children's films are getting kind of old by this point. 

Don't forget the minions. I get that the minions are really the only thing that appeal to the majority of the audience, but they have milked their appeal so much that it's tiring. They promoted the crap out of this movie and the minions were basically the only things they used. Isn't it soooo convenient that kids movies are so damn marketable? 

All in all, this film is just another drawn-out, lukewarm, bland film. So much more could've been done, but they wasted the opportunity with overdone jokes and awkward dialogue. 

Overall Rating: 4/10

Purge Your Room! (Or Your House)

In honor of my deep-cleaning day, I have decided to spread some good wisdom towards everyone.
So if you are drowning in clutter and can't figure out how to get rid of it, answer the questions below. If you answer "yes", you should probably toss it:

1. Have you not used it the past couple of days?
2. Is it broken, badly damaged, or not working?
3. Do you have at least two similar items already? (Exception: sheets, towels, cup, plates, and those kinds of things that are duplicates in themselves.)
4. If it is over three months old, is it still in the box?
5. Is it something your children outgrew years ago?
6. Did you pick this item up and realize that you had forgotten about it?
7. Can it actually be used in your home?
8. Is it something that you always believe you're going to "fix" but you never got around to actually doing so?
9. Did you pick it up because it was free and not actually use it for anything?
10. Has it been stuffed into a box and forgotten?
11. Is it something that you outgrew years ago?
12. Is it part of a specific activity that you are no longer involved in?
13. Does it have no business being in your house?
14. Is it dusty, decaying, or tarnished beyond repair?
15. Is it creating organizational problems?
16. Does it serve absolutely no purpose other than ornamental decoration?
17. If you answered "Yes" to the previous question, is it being overcome by other, similar decorations?
18. If it is an article of clothing, is it outdated or too tight?
19. Can you see this item staying in your house during the next five years?
20. Would you walk by this item in a store but not buy it?

"Neil Young: Harvest Moon" Album Review

Wow, first album review! The reason I am doing this is because I noticed how some of the movies I've been reviewing lately are actually kind of mainstream and I don't think it's keeping the blog on track. So I've decided to pump a little Hippie Bohemian vibe onto these webpages. 

Now, this album came out a while ago (read: 1992). But even before then, people had started to move on from the 60's. They were probably wondering why Neil Young, one of the biggest hippies of that decade (he was in Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, for crying out loud), was still out making records with subliminal psychedelic and "peace" images in an era where rap music was gaining prominence. 

And yes, I can understand that...but way to stick it to the Man by creating a kick-ass album, Neil!

I have a lot of favorite albums on this track. "You and Me" was one of the first songs I heard off of this record, and it works nicely as a quieter, more melodic version of a love song. The title track is not unlike something you would see a couple of hippies dancing to at Woodstock while tripping out (hey, to each their own). The most haunting track on the album, I would have to say, is "War of Man". The message in this song isn't too subtle (spoiler: Anti-Establishment) but the lyrics have some truth in them. It speaks of how all humans are equal to each other and that battles just leads to nobody winning because if you are killing someone who is equal to you, then aren't you only damaging yourself? 

I know people would argue with me, but this album is pretty relevant to what we experience in the world today. So dim the lights, burn some incense, and put this album on your playlist. 

Just try not to trip too hard. 

Rating: 9/10

Can A Person Be Hot And Empowering At The Same Time?

The movie Sucker Punch came out about three years ago. Though it was epic, a lot of people criticized it because of the apparent "subliminal messages" it contained. The movie is heavy on action sequences while playing on the theme of oppressed women and how they liberate themselves, which is good, but a lot of people were confused as to how this could work when the girls were wearing some pretty revealing outfits for most of the movie. The funny thing is, the actresses themselves have stated in several interviews that they actually felt very empowered in their roles and felt that the movie got it's message across positively. And even the director explained that he didn't put them in skimpy outfits to objectify them; he wanted to bring to light how "fanboys" (who usually value brains over brawn) actually desire attractive females as much as the dominating macho-types do. 

So I ask the question: can you be attractive and yet "empowering" for your gender? 

Let's face it, we can't go through a day without seeing an attractive women being used to market a product. Their skinny, meticulously tanned bodies grace everything from Jaguar ads to Greek yogurt commercials. But at the same time, have you ever noticed that men are idealized in advertisements as well? How they possess miraculously white teeth, a six pack, and a fresh wardrobe? Don't get me wrong, men have been portrayed as unattractive or clueless, especially when it comes to baby-related commercials, because we all know that men just can't be attractive, successful, AND a good father, right? Of course they can, just as women can be all of those things. But society is telling us everyday that somehow you need to pick either sexiness or integrity if you want to succeed. 

How is it that you can't be both?

I think the easiest way to explain this would be to compare the classic nerd and the popular kids. The popular girls are attractive and sociable, but also submit somewhat to their jock counterparts. On the other side, the nerd girls have all the brains and character, but they may lack social skills and flawless beauty (this is hypothetical, of course; we are all beautiful.) And you would think that since the jock boys enjoy their sexy girlfriends, that the nerd boys would enjoy their somewhat-unattractive girlfriends, right? 

Actually, not quite. While the consumerist, mainstream culture seems to cater to the jocks by presenting sexy images of women, the nonconformist, "nerd" side isn't much different. Nerds may value brain over brawn, but they are still boys. They're still going to most likely prefer a sexy female over a zit-covered one; why else are female comic book and video game characters always seem to be scantily clad? And it's not just the boys. I'm sure that most girls would not turn down someone like Ryan Reynolds for someone like Mel Gibson. We don't like to admit that we tend to notice physical attractiveness before brains, but let's face it, we do. And some people have too much of a problem with that, despite how they probably do the same thing. 

Don't get me wrong, I am against women being objectified in every sense. But why is it only a problem when women are portrayed as sexy? Is it because it's encouraging men to become chauvinists? Or is it really because the very people who criticize these objectified women are actually somewhat jealous of them? 

That's right, I said jealous. 

I know some of you are thinking, "When I see a girl in a short skirt and tight blouse, I'm not jealous. I just think she's helping to further perpetuate a stereotype." But hold on a second: why would you be concerned that she is sexually appealing if it really just means she's going to have to deal with possible sexual harassment all by herself? What ever happened to "to each their own"? Why should we even care what other girls are wearing? It's not like she's forcing you to wear it; her decisions don't affect you except for the fact that you are both the same gender. Yeah, I get the fact that if a man sees her walk by he may automatically think, "Now that I have seen an extremely attractive woman, I am going to use her as the standard for any other woman I come into contact with because I am only listening to what my ding-a-ling is telling me." Yet not every man goes out with the sole purpose of objectifying women. It's kind of thrust onto everyone through shameless advertising. We seem to forget that the men and women are being paid, not forced, to appear seductive in an ad. 

But again, apparently if you appear to be more attractive than other people of the same gender then it is wrong. I actually think that it's because when we see these models, we get a little nervous that people we come into contact with may reject us or harass us for not being as attractive as the "beautiful people", or that they will expect us to live up to the same standard. With that logic it sounds like you can only be a good female/male role model if you are not too attractive or sexy, because then you are not "empowering", you are just shamelessly parading yourself around with your beauty and we should hate you, though we won't know why. 

So in order to totally NOT play along with the possible sexist connotations against your gender, you can only win the fight against the chauvinists by just...not being attractive. 

Wait, what? 

So if I choose to wear tight clothes or a skirt that's a bit short then somehow I'm no longer a role model? That I'm not a "good example" and that I just present the other gender with the idealized sense of beauty I'm supposed to be against? 

This is when I think, "Well, look who's putting appearance before character now!" Ironic, isn't it?

Being attractive is not a bad thing. I don't think movies would be very successful if we hired average people to be in them. I think the root of the problem is that we value beauty and we value brains but from some strange reason think they aren't supposed to go together. 

The nerds and the populars will never accumulate! Everyone must stay on their side! Everything must be segregated! 

But why??? Wouldn't putting these together be the best of both worlds? 

To conclude this, I do believe that you can be empowering and attractive at the same time. Being smart does not mean you have to sacrifice inner beauty; usually the girls who combine the two are among the rarest and most wonderful of all (this goes for the boys too, by the way). And if people give you a hard time about being sexy, then who cares? You've got the wit to deal with it, and that is what's empowering. 

P.S. Sucker Punch is an awesome flick...go see it! 

How To Survive A Horror Movie

So you're in a horror movie and you really don't feel like dying in a terribly gruesome fashion? You aren't alone. Plenty of characters survive horror films, despite the genre, and after comprehensively  researching their techniques, I have compiled the following tips.

1. You don't need a cellphone at night or in a remote part of the country because it won't work anyway.
2. If you are experiencing a haunting in your home, then MOVE. Unless the spirit "latches" itself to you, in which case you are screwed.
3. An axe is a very handy weapon that can be used to appropriately dismember zombies and other undead entities.
4. Don't go camping with a bunch of friends if someone suggested the trip despite having no prior knowledge about the location, or generally any knowledge about being out in the woods.
5. Refrain from having sex when strange occurrences are happening because it makes you an easy target.
6. Dress conservatively. If you have the appearance of a stripper or ego-maniacal athlete you will be one of the first ones taken out.
7. When people look at dark or abandoned places and say something along the lines of, "Let's check out this creepy place for no reason whatsoever other than to act upon our own egos", it is a sign you should not follow them.
8. Make sure your parents actually care about you and don't let you just wander off when there's a killer on the loose.
9. Leave ancient books and verses alone. Just bury them in the ground or something.
10. If you encounter a home intruder, sit in the closet with a gun and simply shoot at whatever comes by. (Why doesn't anyone ever do this if it's a perfectly rational solution?)
11. Assume that the police and investigative reporters are terrible at their jobs and learn to fend for yourself.
12. Always have a weapon on hand.
13. A map would not be a bad idea either.
14. Check your trunk and backseat before driving anywhere.
15. If you are on the run from something, do NOT get out of your car. Drive into a well-populated area and cause a scene.
16. If you are on foot during a chase sequence, take off your heels. It may also help to get rid of other items, such as a backpack, that will slow you down.
17. Do not trust elderly people who live in the middle of nowhere. Actually, don't trust anyone who lives in the middle of nowhere.
18. Disregard certain local legends and you are pretty much guaranteed to die.
19. Always make sure that you know where you are going.
20. Never hitchhike, and never pick up a hitchhiker.
21. If you hear banging on the door, barricade it, and stand by with a weapon.
22. Stay away from neighbors that seem a little strange.
23. Do not trust the government.
24. Do not hide under the bed or in the closet; serial killers are not usually that stupid.
25. Do not attempt to climb a tree unless you are positive that there is no way for someone to light a fire under it.
26. Zombies come in many varieties and may move slow or be able to run as fast as you. Don't try to guess unless you are willing to bet your life on it.
27. Avoid drugs and alcohol at night.
28. Make sure to do research and find out if your family has some type of dark past that may come back to haunt you.