The Gothic Bohemian's Top 50 Worst Movies Of All Time, #50-41

  The reason this list is shorter than the “Best” movies list is because I tend to try avoiding movies that are universally deemed to be horrible. However, I have had the misfortune of running into one or two on several occasions, so here they are. In all of their painful, cringe-inducing glory.  

  50. Dinosaur

  To be fair, I did enjoy this movie (momentarily) as a young kid, mainly because I loved dinosaurs and was too young for Jurassic Park. But still, looking back, I think that actually may have resulted in me forcing myself to like it. The CGI was impressive at the time, but it's really dated now, and plus the entire movie lacks the depth that it advertised. It's also confusing and kind of annoying how some of the dinosaurs speak, while others only communicate like, well, dinosaurs. (Yeah, they never explain that). In short, this was kind of a miss on Disney's part, and they should really stick to cute animals talking, not extinct and sometimes-kind-of-terrifying animals talking. 

  49. Star Wars, Episode 1: The Phantom Menace 

  There are a few things that are pretty well done with this movie. They improved upon the effects, and added a bunch of characters while sharpening the cinematography. That being said, this film also carries a lot of problems. (And that's besides Jar-Jar Binks, mind you). The pace feels a bit uneven, it alternates between having too few and too many layers, and a lot of elements just come off as being cheesy and annoying. It doesn't really succeed in carrying the depth and dark tone that this saga is known for, and that is why it isn't exactly my top Star Wars movie. In fact, it's at the bottom of that list.

  48. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

  This was not exactly my favorite Twilight book to begin with, so it kind of went downhill from there. It was while watching this film in theaters that I began to realize that the studio was starting to give up on this saga, and at this point they were only in it for the money. While I did kind of appreciate that they were taking it a little more seriously, that is also where the film fails in some areas. This is not some type of mature Hollywood drama; when it comes down to it, it's just a teen romance. That's it, nothing special. Not to mention the fact that hardly anything whatsoever happens in this movie. In fact, it was largely just two hours of mindless dialogue and arguments, and only picked up towards the end. Which was a somewhat-decent way to build up suspense, I guess, but it does not work in saving the rest of the film. 

  47. The Golden Compass

  One of the things I admired about the book this movie was based on was how it treated you as an intelligent reader. For a kid's book, that is rare, unless you count Harry Potter. In this movie, however, it does the opposite. It was painful to watch this great book become so dumbed-down and basic to the point where there was no plot. They completely gloss over the darker themes that made the book work, so the film comes off as incredibly bland, despite the impressive visual effects. But likewise, great effects do not equate to a great film. What a disappointment. 

  46. The Day After Tomorrow

  First of all, who ever thought this would be a decent and attention-grabbing idea for a film title? Did the producers really consider this to be a badass movie name, or did they just need to come up with a quick one before the film premiered? In short, I feel like disaster films are kind of like chocolate Easter bunnies (the cheap kind, not the good kind); enjoyable at the moment you experience it, despite the severe lack of any substance within. And plus, if you have too many of these movies in your gut, a bad feeling in your stomach could result afterwards. Overall this film is really more of a guilty pleasure and a good way to kill two hours, but really nothing all that special that would set it apart as being a really decent film. 

  45. The Rugrats Go Wild!

  I remember how, as a kid, it kind of felt weird whenever Nickelodeon did some of type of crossover for shows and cartoons, since that kind of ruined the integrity of the shows. These two sets of characters, the Rugrats and the Wild Thornberrys, each work incredibly well in their own element because they are the center focus. When you take them out of that element and put them together, they just seem like regular characters. Plus, I did not care for the overtly artistic and polished look of animation that Nickelodeon did with the other Rugrats and Wild Thornberry films. But at least those films worked well through their exclusive environments. 

  44. Van Helsing

  Even though this film is ten years old, I still have trouble figuring out as to whether this was supposed to be serious or intended as a parody of Hollywood monster films. Here, they seem to try and do both, and the result is a big-budget, corny mess of hokey acting and lackluster CGI effects. It would have worked better if this film just would've picked a damn side: serious horror thriller, or campy but enjoyable parody. When you try to do both, the film comes off as having an ego when it doesn't deserve one, and the audience feels more annoyed than entertained. If the film took itself less seriously (or even more seriously), it probably could've worked. But no, it chooses to wallow in the middle of the spectrum and does not end up being as entertaining as it could have been. 

  43. National Treasure 2

  There are some sequels that just shouldn't exist. (And yes, you are going to be seeing a few more of those on this list). The first film stands out well enough on its own, but of course it made money, and in Hollywood, money automatically equates to a sequel. What made the first film work was that they took a seemingly ridiculous theory (a map on the back of the Declaration, really?) and tied up all these historical points to make it seem real, and thus, like an actual adventure. Here, they take something that is already real, the President's Book Of Secrets, and twisted it up into a nonsensical mess of wildly unrelated historical facts, which almost seems to discredit the legend and make it appear a lot less interesting than it is. Plus, a lot of the elements are put together weird, including the characters, which results in a lack of the charm that the first movie presents to the audience. 

  42. 2012

  Did this movie have impressive effects? Absolutely. Problem is, that's all it really has going for it. If I could give this film a proper name, it would be: "2012 Plot Conveniences". Seriously, though, this entire film is just a perfect example of a lazy screenwriter. Every obstacle the characters encounter is solved within a few minutes, or even a few seconds, all because their solution just happens to present itself at the right time. If they are only surviving due to sheer dumb luck, then why should I be invested? Why should I care? In short, I don't, and you won't. Really this movie is right up there with The Day After Tomorrow as a decent but largely unsatisfying way to kill two hours. But there are better ways to kill time. 

  41. Shrek The Third 

  This franchise would have been fine if they had just stuck with the first and second films. I have no idea why this film even existed in the first place. Everything was tied up really nice in the previous film, Shrek 2, and Shrek The Third seems to slap its predecessor in the face by trying to dig up a nonsensical and uninteresting premise for a story, which results in a bland and kind of ridiculous plot. It was annoying and boring to feel like I was watching the deleted scenes and recycled plot points from Shrek 2. In fact, this movie is like someone took Shrek 2 and seriously watered it down to the point where watching it feels like a chore rather than an entertaining experience. 

"The Purge: Anarchy" Film Review

 

  Many people say that The Purge was a bit of a ridiculous movie. That is correct.
  They also say that the sequel was much better. Also correct.
  Allow me to elaborate:
  The first movie introduces the concept of this (possibly upcoming) franchise, in which American society is now a sort of future utopia. Unemployment and poverty is virtually nonexistent, as is all national crime. This is due to how, on one night every year, all crime is made legal for 12 hours, in an effort to have the people "cleanse" themselves of their hatred. The Purge did not delve into too many other details, besides noting that the government is now ruled by the "New Founding Fathers Of America"; rather, it focused on a rich family (the Sandins) as they attempt to protect their home on Purge night after a homeless man is accidentally let in by their youngest kid. The fact that the film chose not to expand upon the interesting backstory is what ultimately led to it being kind of disappointment. Instead, the film just became a generic cat-and-mouse home invasion flick that was so nonsensical at times, I was literally laughing in my seat.
  But where the first film failed, the sequel pretty much succeeded. In The Purge: Anarchy we see a lot more characters, a lot more important exposition, and practically everything we were hoping to experience when watching its predecessor. While it is really more of an indirect sequel, as only one person from the first film actually makes an appearance, the story feels a lot more developed and a lot of the elements are far less uneven. The plot itself centers around several characters: a police officer who aims to use the Purge in order to hunt down the man responsible for the death of his son; a single mother and her young daughter who are trying to avoid Purge night altogether; and a young couple who is trapped on the streets on Purge night when their car breaks down in the middle of the city. But when the Purge begins, all hell breaks loose as our characters are inevitably forced together and must rely on each other to survive the night.
  If the political connotations of the last movie were too subtle for you, they come out in full-force with the sequel. I am not going to delve too deeply into it, but I will say that it can get to the point where it's a bit confusing. The morals of this story and the actions of the characters are contradictory at times, and it is hard to determine just exactly who we are supposed to be rooting for. They are painting most of the characters as being cold and unfeeling, yet also innocent at times, so the constantly changing atmosphere can be a little annoying. The social and racial commentary is obviously there, but oddly enough, both left-wing and right-wing views can be seen as present in this film, depending on how you take it. So it is probably a relief that it doesn't completely shift in one direction. A vast improvement on the previous film, and entertaining enough to be a good pick for movie night.
 
  Overall rating: 7/10

Late Summer Update

    First off I would like to apologize for that sort-of mean-spirited post I put up last night. I was on a bit of a rant after reading an article online, and I take responsibility for the fact that anyone may have become upset or angry over it. That being said, with school approaching again, I have a few updates to inform everyone of:

    -More of "Artist Spotlight". With the novelty of Pinterest and Stumbleupon, I am discovering newer artists every day, and want to be sure that they are taken notice of. 

    -A "Worst Movies Of All Time" List. Since I already did a list of the best, I feel it has to be reciprocal. Maybe I'll also throw in a "Guilty Pleasures" film list as well. 

    -More social commentary! Huzzah!

    -Possible updates on how my DIY projects and book projects are going. 

"2001: A Space Odyssey" Film Review

   I have been waiting a long time to see this movie and decided to force myself to watch it last night so that I would finally commit to making sure I saw it. And what did I think of this grand space epic after it ended? 

   ...I can't find the words. 

  Literally, there are no small set of words I can find to describe this movie, so I am going to try and use every single adjective that pops into my head. 

  It was:

  Epic, colossal, gigantic, astronomical, monumental, mind-boggling, paranoia-inducing, stomach-churning, brain-melting, mind-fucking, insane, psychotic, bizarre, demented, deranged, surreal, scary, terrifying, jolting, petrifying, traumatic, wonderful, glorious, illustrious, genius, expansive, thought-provoking, maniacal, unhinged, and just downright wild. 

  I felt a spectrum of emotions while viewing this picture. The artistic vision, the special effects, the camera angles, the cinematography; all of it is just brilliant. But what really makes this movie is the sound. There is no sound in space, so the entire film relies largely on visuals instead of dialogue, and it works incredibly well. The audio comes in and drops off at unexpected moments, leaving a ringing sound in your ears that draws you into the diegetic world of this film. Speaking of the diegetic world, it is huge. I mean, really huge. Possibly one of the biggest "worlds" I have ever seen play out in a movie. The precise attention to detail is insane, the coloration and lighting is spot-on, and the designs for a lot of the futuristic mechanisms are pleasantly surreal eye candy. 

  The film is told in three parts: The Dawn Of Man (showing early primates), TMA-1 (showing humans interacting onboard a domestic transportational spacecraft and finding a weird artifact buried on another planet), Jupiter Mission (in which a unit of astronauts are sent out to explore Jupiter with the HAL 9000 supercomputer), and Jupiter And Beyond The Infinite (for which it is impossible to give a description). Tying each of these acts together is a mysterious, rectangular object called the monolith, which the conscious beings in each part interact with in turn. As the film goes on, the humans learn more about technology and evolution, as the HAL 9000 computer is becoming disconcerted with how the humans are running the Jupiter mission, and what it may mean for the future. As a result, the human astronauts are equally unsettled by what HAL is truly capable of. 

  Let me talk about the famous "Stargate Sequence". This is the crown jewel of the entire film. It was insanely terrifying and paranoia-inducing, but also gives the sense of a crazy amusement park ride. It lasts for over six minutes, and kidnaps your consciousness with the unsettling musical score and seizure-inducing visuals. Watch this part of the film (especially when you are high), and your mind will flip itself inside-out. 

  The act of simply using mere words to describe this film would not be giving it enough credit. 2001: A Space Odyssey is in a category of its own. It is definitely the best film I have seen all summer, and a ride I hope to take again in the future. 

  Overall Rating: 10/10 

"Hercules" Film Review

  There were many things that would have prevented me from seeing this movie. First off: Dwayne Johnson is playing a historical figure. Yeah, I get that Hercules is supposed to a bad-ass, and being a bad-ass is The Rock's area of expertise. However, I didn't see it as that much of a fit. Second: Wasn't a Hercules movie just released not too long ago? I get that it was supposed to be inferior to this version, but still.

  So how exactly did I see this film? Well, it was Tuesday night, it was cheap, and I had nothing else to do.

  And was it decent? It was...entertaining. 

  I'm not exactly going to tear this movie to shreds because of all the problems it has (and yeah, there are quite a few), but I do believe giving some credit where credit is due. The real reason this film is enjoyable is because it recognizes that it shouldn't take itself too seriously, so the tone is more relaxed and humorous. In fact, humor was the main thing holding this film together. If it had tried to keep a strictly mature and historically accurate tone, it would have collapsed under its own weight. I feel like the producers said, "Hey, let's just have some fun." And they did.

  The story follows Hercules and his band of mercenaries (played by people such as Ian McShane, Rufus Sewell, and Reese Ritchie), who travel through Greece doing certain missions for pay. Hercules has decided to live as a mortal because he is haunted by the guilt he has over supposedly murdering his wife and children after being cursed by Hera, jealous wife of Zues. However, when the group is approached by the princess Ergenia (Rebecca Ferguson), who hopes they will help defeat a warlord making his way across Greece, they oblige. What follows is a series of events that result in Hercules learning who his friends and enemies truly are.

  This film is exactly what you would expect from watching the trailer: it is campy as all get-out. There's plenty of fight sequences, combat, monsters, arrows flying, swords being thrown around, and lots of cartoony heroes and bad guys. Not to say that I am surprised, given that this film was based on a comic book. And while the film carries itself fairly well with all the comedic and intentionally ludicrous moments, there are also a few issues that come with it. I felt that the pacing could have been done better, as it all feels pretty rushed in the important areas and too slow at the points that could have been moved through a bit quicker. I also thought that the backstory for many of the characters was put together in a kind of clunky way, but whether or not that helps or hurts the story is really left up to interpretation. (By the way, I could make a list of all the historical mistakes in this film, but I won't. Another time, then.)

  So if you just want to be entertained for a good two hours, check out this movie. It's not exactly a full-course meal, but it will still moderately satisfy.

  Overall rating: 5/10

Artist Spotlight: Althea Crome

     I have been into miniatures ever since I found stop-motion as a kid. Most people would consider the artists who work on such a small scale to be either insanely talented or just plain crazy. Regular miniature models are hard enough to make, especially clothes, so it is kind of rare that we can find someone who not only makes these delicate treasures, but actually knits them by hand. 

  In comes the wonderfully talented Althea Crome. As an "extreme knitter" (as she puts it), Crome takes anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months to design and knit tiny sweaters, socks, and gloves on the 1:12 scale. She uses knitting needles that can be just as wide as a single strand of human hair. What drew me to her work was her involvement in the film Coraline, as she was contacted by the studio and asked to create Coraline's signature star sweater and striped gloves by hand for the film. Her work has appeared in Ripley's Believe It Or Not, The New York Times, and The Martha Stewart Show. The link to her insanely cool round-up of handmade collections is below. Just be prepared: the detailing will blow your mind. 

http://www.bugknits.com

Some of her work (from bugknits.com):

"Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes" Review

  I would like to make a statement in that the lineup for this year's summer movies is kind of sucky. There doesn't seem to be that much that sticks out in terms of being unique or really all that interesting, and very few exceptions to this exist. One of these exceptions, however, was Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes. 

  Set in a world where the human race has now been dangerously reduced to small bands of survivors immune to a scientifically-engineered virus that decimated most of the Earth's population, the major governments no longer exist, and everyone is fighting to survive. Coming out on top, we have the newly intelligent apes, led by Caesar (Andy Serkis) who has since created an entire colony of the genetically modified primates, and has a family of his own. However, when he and the other apes encounter a group of humans living in an abandoned city nearby (populated by people like Kerri Russell, Gary Oldman, and Jason Clarke), they are initially fearful of war. As Malcolm (Clarke) begins to negotiate terms with Caesar, allowing the humans to use the dam in close proximity to help power their city and make contact with other survivors, the growing hostility of Koba, an ape with a grudge against humans since he was experimented on by them, leads to tension and eventually an all-out war. 

  Even though I saw the first movie, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, about two years ago, they made a smart decision in not relying too much on the first movie to the point where this film wasn't able to stand on its own. Yes, there are obvious hints to the first movie to make us previous moviegoers feel nostalgic and smug about knowing things the other people don't, but it is brief enough to not have the movie stop in its tracks to reiterate exposition you could have gained by simply watching the first film. In other words, the film tries hard to not treat you like a moron, and I appreciated that.
  This sequel actually takes place about ten years after the events of the first film, so the significant gap in time allows for more needed exposition, and it feels more fluid when they present you with information. Though I'll admit that sometimes it feels a bit clunky, such as when we are offered basically an entire backstory over the duration of a small conversation made by Kerri Russell and a few other human characters. Speaking of the characters, I liked how the apes were focused on much more than the humans, because even though we sympathize with the humans, this franchise is really about the apes. And holy crap, did they do a good job with the animation on these apes! I would go see the third movie just for the CGI work alone. The detailing you see throughout the film proves that we are very close to obtaining full realism in Hollywood movies.
  In short I feel like this film was better than the first, but also takes itself seriously enough to not be entirely over-the-top. It is an entertaining movie that will prove to be a pleasant experience in this current wave of lukewarm summer films.
 
  Overall rating: 7/10