Why I Will Never Write A "Nice" Story

     Here's the thing: anyone who has ever seen my drawings or read my writings or seen my videos may have noticed that I tend to lean towards darker subjects, with rape, murder, chaos, abuse, and torture often being key components. When I was a child, people found this amusing. They would smile as I put up drawings of monsters devouring a city, or people fleeing in terror, some of them being squished, trampled, or set ablaze in the process. But as I got older, their smiles began to fade. The drawings became more detailed and colored with vibrant red blood. The poems and stories described characters meeting their demise in graphic detail. The videos became more serious, and unsettling, and even depressing. It was only at this point that someone realized how "problematic" this could be.

     Being a weird and lonely kid, I had since become skilled in finding a refuge within my own head. So I was not really paying attention to people's gossiping and commentary for a long time. Until, of course, my first book came out. And I began to hear, from various people: "Are you going to write a nice story?"

   At first, I wondered if maybe this was a reflection on the quality of the writing itself; as in, "this sucked, when are you going to write something good?" But then I realized that it was a comment on the subject matter, which addressed things such as rape, murder, prejudice, and genocide. None of these things were "nice", I guess. Not really. Few people would say that they are. But in the context of the situation, it came off as being less of an issue of portraying the subject matter itself and more of an issue on how I was the person writing it. 

    It is no secret that any type of female "artist" (writer, painter, poet, dancer, etc.), while possessing a reputation for having the possibility of provocation, still walks a fine line between what is socially acceptable and what is not. When male artists draw, sculpt, and generally portray phalluses and vaginas for the sake of "art", no one bats an eye. Or at least, they just roll their eyes. "Boys will be boys" and all that (which, as I'm sure most of you would agree, is a statement that is bursting with bona-fide BULLSHIT). When people think of women artists, they probably picture a painting of flowers. Or a house. Or a mother with her child. Or perhaps a photo series that portrays the delicate nature of butterflies and robin's eggs. And if a woman dares to venture into the world of provocative erotica, into the realm of pain and suffering and disturbing imagery, then she must be nuts. Or cynical. Or both. In other words, it's not the "right" type of art that we should be producing. To which I say: ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

   It's often interesting that even in the world of art, we still follow a set of rules. Men make this, women make that. Horror and fantasy? Oh, that is much too complicated for a woman to write. Blood and guts only cause you delicate women-folk to faint. Go and type up another romance for housewives, you Jane Austen wannabe. Demonstrate your frustration at centuries of sexual repression by churning out great works of literature like Fifty Shades of Grey and Twilight. Because that is what good "creative" women do, right? 

   Here's the thing: I am not ashamed of anything I write. I put four-letter words between my pages. I have described people of all ages being traumatized and murdered. I add as much seriousness and brutality as the story needs. I will never play it safe, because to do so would be to lose. There is no room in the creative world for people consumed by fear and shackled to the expectations of others around them. And what about those naysayers? Well, if you draw a painting of two robot girls kissing, or write a story about a group of children being murdered, or craft a provocative scene out of clay, then they are all just going to have to fucking deal with it. They can go off and live in their little bubble, and pretend that the world is full of rainbows and sunshine. They can go and create what THEY deem to be "appropriate" art (which they won't do anyway). 

    This is exactly my point. As a fiction writer, I pretty much write bullshit. By that I mean that not a lot of stuff, of course, in my stories is actually real. But the emotions, themes, and struggles most certainly are. So to brush all of the pain aside, to write a story in which nothing significant or bad or terrible or awful ever occurs, to provide a happy and super-dee-dooper story that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, would be to disregard the fact that anything terrible ever happens in real life. Books, like other forms of art, offer escapism, but even so, ignoring reality instead of facing it and learning to cope with it will not cause the pain to go away. We need to face our pain, and confront our fears. Does it make us cynical? Absolutely not, and we need to stop believing that it does. To turn away from the past is to deny it ever existed, which will result in grave consequences. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I cannot afford to write a "nice" story. 

    You can have your cake full of rainbows and sunshine and act like nothing bad is ever going to happen. But for right now, I will take my blood-covered words and rigorously use my pen until smoke comes out of it. 

"Amèlie" Film Review

   Winter break is now in full swing and I plan to be watching a bunch of new movies. Out of the list of films I am currently trying to get through, Amèlie was one of the films I was looking forward to the most. I had been hearing nothing but good things about it for quite a long time, so after watching Nebraska and Trainspotting earlier today, I finally took the trip to France. 

   The film centers around the early life of Amèlie, a kind and offbeat but mostly introverted young woman who works as a waitress and seems more interested with the idea of love than actually trying to find it for herself. She really is obsessed with the subject, whether it is evidenced from attempting to figure out who in the neighborhood is currently having an orgasm, or manipulating her coworkers to "accidentally" run into each other and then proceed to have sex. The only thing is, when a handsome individual just happens to misplace a treasured book of photos, Amèlie must learn to let go of her major introversion and take risks to allow this new stranger into her life. 

  The editing and the cinematography are certainly the most interesting aspects of this film. The colors coordinate nicely, the lighting is on point, and pretty much every single detail is pleasing to the eye of the viewer. With regards to the editing, it was executed perfectly to match the quirky tone of the story and provide for an upbeat and pleasurable experience. Another thing I should add is that even though this film is quirky in its own right, it does not try too hard to achieve this factor of being "different", unlike other films such as Juno. You are not beaten over the head with the fact that Amèlie is a curious person, because the pacing and characterization do their jobs sufficiently enough that everything comes together nicely without being exhausting or overbearing. This film does not give the impression of having a huge ego, which was refreshing to see and is often the reason why most foreign, independent, or non-blockbuster films are usually critically acclaimed. (I said "usually"; of course there are exceptions). The movie does not try to be a big, grand reinvention of cinema, which makes it all the more enjoyable and helps it to really come together as an interesting piece of art. This was a charming little film and definitely one I would see again. 

Overall rating: 10/10

"A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)" Film Review

     I said in the last review that between John Wick and this film, one of them was great and the other was terrible. If you read my John Wick review you would know that I enjoyed it tremendously, so this leaves A Nightmare On Elm Street to be the awful one. 

     I had been wanting to watch this film ever since it hit the theaters, and I will admit that I did think it was okay when I had the chance to watch most of it on YouTube. I also understand that in a moment of weakness and stupidity, this film ended up on my "Top Horror Remakes" List, which I have now deleted. But after watching it all the way through, I was very disappointed in how it turned out. 

     The main issue I had with this movie was the pacing. It was far too fast to establish any context, and the script was so flat that you weren't able to gather any information about the characters before they ended up dying. Why should I care about these people if I don't even know who they are? Hell, for some of them, I didn't even remember their names. The movie was not skilled at all in establishing conflict or delivering exposition, and when it tried to, the entire film just stopped short. Even then, little was explained and the information we did receive did not fit well with what the film was trying to say. It was like watching someone with a throat problem trying to get the words out but being unable to. 

     In terms of the new Freddy, I felt that this one was painfully weak. I get that Jackie Earle Haley is capable of being a decent actor, but his character was not threatening and was really just confusing. I imagined that the reason they introduced him so early on in the film was to create some sort of shock value, the only problem being that it didn't work out that way. His prosthetic makeup was far from being believable and it made it seem like he was trying to move his lips under a giant pile of rubber, which created a sense of disillusionment and really kind of pissed me off. From what I understand, they tried to make the burns more realistic this time around, but the cinematography prevented us from seeing any of the detail. I paid attention to the coloration of many of the shots and felt that it was particularly off in scenes with Freddy. Many of the dream sequences with a red coloration were much too saturated and the lighting was so off that I felt as if Freddy was blending into the background, which took away from the shadowy and intimidating persona he was supposed to have. The dream sequences lacked a surreal atmosphere and did not feel like a dream or otherwise a different entity from the real world, which made for some confusing moments when I couldn't even figure out where the hell the characters were supposed to be. 

     With regards to how the other members of the cast portrayed their characters, I felt as if it would have been more believable if I had any idea as to who they were. Literally next to nothing was revealed about them and even though they made a point of trying to center it on Rooney Mara's character, I had a hard time believing that she was the protagonist. Everyone either switched from unemotionless and bored to an overacting mess of hysterics, and even the hysterical bits felt a bit underplayed. I also had a huge problem with twenty-somethings playing teenagers, and though it happens in nearly every high school movie, that doesn't mean it's a trend that we should be continuing. I really felt that this movie needed a lot of work and had to develop a lot more than it cared to, and unfortunately it just didn't seem to care about itself that much. An oppurtunity to make a mostly-campy movie into something darker failed to do its job by just not giving a shit either way.

     Overall rating: 4/10 

"John Wick" Film Review

     After taking a few weeks off to focus more on schoolwork and chill from the film reviews for a bit, I felt it was necessary to finally get around to reviewing two movies that I have seen recently. The films I will be reviewing today are John Wick and A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010), with one of them being great and the other being terrible. So first, I will look at John Wick. 

     Walking into this movie, I was interested enough by the trailer to see if Keanu Reeves would manage to bring himself back into the public eye considering that his career has mainly been surviving on indie films and box-office bombs ever since the Matrix trilogy ended. And to my suprise, I was very entertained. I expected this to be a rip-off of Taken, and to be fair, the main story does consist of the main character being bent on vengeance, but it's in a slightly different context. The film focuses on a former hit man (Reeves), who retired to care for his dying wife. When she dies, he finds that she left behind a dog for him to care for, so that he would have something to love in her absence, but when John Wick encounters a few assholes at a gas station and refuses to sell off his car to them, they break into his house, beat the shit out of him and kill his dog. He then gets pulled back into the world he once belonged to as he searches for the men responsible, who happen to be connected to his former employer. 

     Say what you want about Reeves, but in this case, his slightly stiff acting actually works for the character. The fact that he was broken up from his wife's death was not beaten over the head of the audience, and I really appreciated that the director trusted the audience enough to not do a flashback. Apparently the director did not perceive the audience to be complete idiots, and this helped to keep a consistent flow for the movie and made everything a bit more realistic. The movie was very stylish but not in an overt manner, and it did not have the huge ego that would have made the experience annoying. The cinematography was decent, and overall the script did its job pretty well to present the conflict in both the inner and outer dimensions of the characters. It seemed to be paying an homage to a lot of classic action films, but insead of this being cheesy, it came off as pretty interesting. Overall I would say that I was impressed with this movie and it made for a refreshing break from the other crap that has been coming out recently. 

Overall rating: 9/10 

Hiatus Announcement

  (No pictures for this post.)

  Here's the thing: 

 I began to realize that blogging no longer became fun or interesting to me. Perhaps I am just in a rut, or it could be that I am swamped with work, but one thing is clear: I need to take a break.

  Hope to see you when this semester ends. 

  Peace, 

The Gothic Bohemian 

Tanner Is Coming!

  Having followed the Takara "Blythe" culture on Pinterest for the past few months, I finally decided to get one myself. She is being shipped from China, so it will be at least another week before she arrives. I have named her Tanner. Good things have been said about the seller, so I hope she comes through alright. 

  So excited!!! Will definitely post an "unboxing" video on Youtube and link it to the GothicBohemian's blog. Some DIY Blythe projects may also make there way onto here in the future. My next post will probably be her arrival. See you in about a week, readers!

5 Things NOT To Say To Someone With Depression

  Depression is a cruel mistress I have often been in unfortunate contact with. It has stayed with me since I was a young kid, and over the years there have been a lot of ups and downs. While most certainly a struggle, depression is still stigmatized in society and sometimes looked at as not being a "real" disease. I am here to change your perceptions about this. Below is a list of things you should avoid saying to someone with depression.

1.  "What's wrong?" You should avoid this inquiry because most of the time, people with depression can't pinpoint what it is exactly that they are depressed over. It doesn't have a real rhyme or reason; it simply is, and we have to deal with it. Plus, if we knew what was bothering us, we could have devised a proper solution to help get rid of it. 
2.  "You'll get over it." Well, okay then, excuse me while I lift this incredibly large boulder off of my chest for the sake of your convenience. We cannot just "get over it", as that would imply that we have a specific reason to be depressed, and that the problem can be easily remedied with a certain solution. Depression is not some sort of infection that you can destroy with a pill; it takes time and effort, but most of the time you just learn to deal with it rather than get rid of it. Doing away with depression entirely is extremely difficult, as it can always bounce back. 
3.  "C'mon, smile!" This was (and still is) the most frequent statement people choose to say to me. As a kid, many saw this as just me having some sort of attitude. "Oh, don't mind her, she's just being a bitch", is basically what they were saying. We do not have an "attitude". We are not depressed because we seek to drain the people around us of any pleasure. 
4.  "I just saw you laugh and smile the other day, so you don't have depression." By this logic, I could say that you are never calm because I once saw you throw a temper tantrum. Depressed people get through some days with ease, and other times it is a huge undertaking to get out of bed in the morning. Plus, you may be one of the few things in life that temporarily relieves them of their depression. Think about that. 
5.  "People your age can't get depression." Since I heard this one a lot as a kid, I eventually stopped using the word "depression" and simply tried to convince myself that what other people said was true: maybe I did have a snotty attitude. But I never fully believed it, because in my gut I knew it was depression, or some form of it. There is no "right" or "wrong" time to get it, and it can affect anyone. Throw away your perceptions and recognize how prevalent it is. 

Think You Know Screenplays? You Should Read This:

A Word On Being An Older, But Still Weird, Kid

  As we are all probably well-aware of, it is perfectly acceptable to dress up weird, engage in cultural phenomena, and "find yourself" during your childhood and teen years. However, society has this unspoken rule that once you reach adulthood (fuck adulthood, always spoiling everything!), you have to throw that all away for business suits, coffee, primetime sitcoms, and Newsweek. 

  Yeah, I am as terrified as you are. I mean, considering that I discovered and became interested in Kawaii only recently, it pains me to think that it will all have to come down in the next two years. But if you think I am throwing out half of the (fabulously DIY-ed) masterpieces in my closet, well, think again. 

  I am saying this because Bohemians and my other subculture peeps are thought of as weird, more so women than men. Why is that? Apparently it's because we assume a man who dresses in Star Wars-y shirts or eccentric fashion is an interesting trailblazer, but a woman who dresses in a similar way just wants attention or is insecure and lonely. As Geddy would say, "Wah-wah-weeh-wah!", and rightfully so. Why is it that being weird is encouraged as a kid, but adulthood swoops in and demands that you put down your toys? Who is to say that a person can't do mature work in an office while also attending Lolita meet-ups on the weekends or harboring an intense fascination with the obscure works of Andy Warhol?

  Newsflash, society: you may look at us in our superhero cosplay ensembles, or our "childish" pink petticoats and pompoms, and think we are juvenile. That we should grow up, or that we should "act like an adult", but guess what? There are a crapload of perfectly mature adults that love this stuff as much as we do, and they are productive members of our civilization like everyone else. 

  So yes, don't put your toys down. In fact, polish those fuckers, and polish them good. If someone calls you out on it, screw them. I will keep making jewelry out of random items. I will keep dressing like a cross between a hippie, a punk, and a Japanese pop star. Your personality is best when it's unbridled, so break those chains and unleash your inner weirdo. Haters gotta hate, so it's best to leave them be and just skip onward, wearing those harajuku boots and Rainbow Brite sneakers. 

  

Artist Spotlight: Frida Kahlo

   I feel that I have been neglecting the more classical Bohemians, so it is here I present one talented woman. Frida Kahlo has been referenced numerous times as the quintessential Bohemian, from the way she dressed to the way she painted. (If you don't believe me, read Laren Stover's book on Bohemians and count how many times she references Kahlo.)

  Frida was born in Mexico City on July 6th, 1907. She was the third daughter out of four born to her parents, a Lutheran father and a Catholic mother. At the age of six, polio resulted in Kahlo's right leg being thinner than the left, a feature that lasted the rest of her life and was covered by her wearing long skirts most of the time. Kahlo was on track to studying medicine when, at the age of eighteen, a bus that Kahlo was riding in crashed into a trolley car, resulting in multiple broken bones, including her pelvis and spinal column. On top of this, an iron handrail punctured her uterus, making her unable to have children; though she conceived several times, all of her pregnancies had to be destroyed due to the risk. Kahlo eventually regained the ability to walk, though she relapsed several times and had over 30 surgeries over the next few years. 

  It was here that Kahlo abandoned medicine and took up painting, as it passed the time during the sessions where she was immobilized or bedridden. Her experiences with pain translated into many of her best works of art, many of which were primarily self-portraits. She is quoted as saying: "I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best" (Kettenmann 27). In her lifetime, Kahlo created about 140 paintings, along with several drawings and studies. 55 of these works are self-portraits. 1938 marked the first time her paintings were displayed in a U.S gallery, at the Julien Levy Gallery in New York City. 

  Frida had a relationship with painter Diego Rivera, who encouraged her vision and admired her talent. Though they married, their union was often troubled, as both Kahlo and Rivera had extramarital affairs, with Kahlo having affairs with both men and women due to her bisexual nature. Kahlo and Rivera also became good friends with Communist Leon Trotsky, who Kahlo eventually had an affair with. However, both her and Rivera abandoned Trotsky's ideology and supported Stalin after Trotsky was assassinated. Less than twenty years later, Kahlo had her right leg amputated and her health began to decline. She died in Mexico City at the age of 47.  

  Kahlo only became widely recognized in the early 1980's, when the art movement of Neomexicanismo began to form. Her 100th birthday in 2007 was celebrated with the largest exhibit of her paintings ever presented to the public. Today, she is remembered as not only a Mexican folk artist, but also one of the most significant surrealists and pioneers of modern Bohemianism. 

  (In accordance to her self-identifying mantra of being the "ribbon around the bomb", I will probably put that mantra on my denim jacket somewhere).

For more about Frida, check her out on Pinterest and her posthumous website: 

http://www.fridakahlo.com

http://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q=frida%20kahlo&rs=ac&len=5

Works cited: 

Andrea Kettenmann, Frida Kahlo. Frida Kahlo, 1907–1954: Pain And Passion. Page 27. 

Books I Read/Movies I Watched This Summer

Books:

• Life by Keith Richards
• A Brief History Of Time by Stephen Hawking
• The Universe In A Nutshell by Stephen Hawking
• Pericles by William Shakespeare
• The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp 

Movies:

• 47 Ronin
• Dracula
• Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes
• Hercules
• The Purge: Anarchy
• How To Train Your Dragon Two
• The Shawshank Redemption
• 2001: A Space Odyssey
• The Matrix Reloaded
• Speed
• Blue Is The Warmest Color
• Trailer Park Boys: Live In F**kin Dublin
• Dear Mr. Watterson
• Man Of Tai Chi 
• Pulp Fiction
• 12 Years A Slave
• Grown-Ups 2
• This Is The End

You Know You're A Rush Fan When...

  In list form of course.

  You know you're a Rush fan when....

1.   Your Facebook groups have names like, "Geddy Is Hot" and "The Rush Appreciation Society".
2.  If you ask, "Rutsey or Peart?" and people go, "Who?", you become visibly annoyed.
3.  You resist the urge to scream, "Salesman!", in Geddy's voice, whenever you hear the word. 
4.  You know how to correctly pronounce Neil's last name.
5.  You know how to correctly pronounce Geddy's last name. 
6.  You know how to correctly pronounce Alex's last name. 
7.  You have seen Rush: Beyond The Lighted Stage at least five times. 
8.  When "2112" comes on, you break into an air-guitar solo that lasts until the song ends. 
9.  You have read Ayn Rand in an attempt to decipher Neil's lyrics.
10.  You become irritated when someone says, "But his voice is so annoying!" 
11.  Your entire life revolves around tour dates. 
12.  Seeing them live for the first time was the best moment of your life. 
13.  You think Neil should bring back his mustache. 
14.  You think an average song length of 3-4 minutes sounds incredibly short. 
15.  When someone says the name, "Tom Sawyer", you immediately perk up.
16.  You have considered naming your child Alex, Geddy, or Neil. 
17.  You put the Starman logo on everything. 
18.  You cringe whenever you see Rolling Stone magazine on a newsstand. 
19.  You have considered using Rolling Stone as toilet paper. 
20.  You have actually used Rolling Stone as toilet paper. 
21.  You own, or have considered buying, a kimono. 
22.  When Rush got into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, you played it off like it was nothing but secretly felt like all of your dreams had come true. 
23.  The closest you have ever come to playing a Rush song with precision is on Rockband. 
24.  You think that Neil being the best drummer in existence is not even up for debate. 
25.  You have a Rush album for every type of day there is. 
26.  Finding a girlfriend who is obsessed with Rush as you are is about as likely as discovering a unicorn in the wild. 
27.  Picking your favorite album is the hardest question to answer. 
28.  Both Lord Of The Rings and Anthem sit on your bookshelf. 
29.  You hope that Neil will show up at a random joint in your small town one day so that you could have a conversation with him. 
30.  You have become used to hearing the words, "Who are they?" when you mention how Rush is your favorite band. 

Worst Movies Ever Made, #10-1

10. Batman And Robin

   Most of you should not be surprised that this movie ended up in the top ten. Batman And Robin is literally the corniest, cheesiest, and stupidest superhero flick ever made. The casting choices are baffling: I mean, Clooney as Batman? Really? And to top it off, he is actually a somewhat capable actor (excuse me, more than capable actor), so his horrendous acting in this film can either be attributed to the poor script or the character itself. Uma Thurman, another decent actress, delivers an equally terrible performance, and her dialogue is just as awful and full of puns as Schwarzenegger's character. Nonsensical and completely insulting to the source material, this film is one of the biggest piles of shit that exists in cinema. 

9. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2

  If you watched the first Twilight and thought it couldn't get any worse, you were very, very wrong. To be fair, I liked the first film, so I was a bit scared to see how the rest of the series would progress. And I was right to be scared. In the simplest of terms, this movie was lazy. The visual effects are awful, the acting is wooden and campy as hell, and the entire film just doesn't flow like it should. Instead of having the series go out with a bang, this film proved that the producers simply gave up and let it die a slow death. It was like they figured, "Ah, well, people are paying to see it anyway, so who cares if the quality is decent?" And the fact that I came to this conclusion is insulting. But hey, at least these movies are finally over.

8. Grown-Ups

  Remember back when Adam Sandler made good movies? Those were the days, and unfortunately this movie proves that we have passed that era. I somewhat enjoyed this film the first time I saw it, but that was it. Now, it's just painful to sit through. I cannot believe that these talented comedians have reduced themselves to appearing in these shit-fests. The entire movie is really just a series of three-minute joke setups, and the jokes aren't funny after you hear them once. If you want my advice, enjoy this movie the first time, because that is the only occassion on which it will ever be funny. After that, you begin to see what a real turkey it truly is. 

7. After Earth

  Newsflash, Hollywood: this whole "nepotism" thing is really getting annoying. What says, "I have a huge ego" more than writing a full screenplay just so you and your son can star in a movie together? I read that this was really just an attempt by Will Smith to elevate his son's movie star status, and boy, did it backfire completely. In fact, if Jaden had any acting chops before this movie, you can be sure that this film completely destroyed them. The only thing that is actually worse about this film is how it was directed by M. Night Shyamalan, who is responsible for some of the absolute biggest pieces of Hollywood garbage in recent years (and yes, the movie you are thinking of is one I will not even mention, as it is too painful to even think of. It's unbearable). Combine it all together, mixed with an extra dose of ugly CGI and a plot that's full of holes, and you get After Earth: a giant, colossal mess that is one of the poorest excuses for cinema, ever.

  

6. Son Of The Mask

  For the past few years, this tended to top the list of the worst comedy films I had ever seen. That spot was later claimed by Grown-Ups 2, but the competition from this flick is awfully fierce. I use the term "awfully" because that is the only word I can use to describe this film, other than "terrifying". I mean, the visuals are so crazy and in-your-face that even adults will be freaked out by it. Thus barely passes for a family picture, if at all, and I'm not sure you could remotely expect any kid with half a brain to enjoy this movie. Not to mention that the characters are extremely, extremely unlikeable, the writing is just lazy, and the whole premise has such little to do with the source material that you wonder how it even qualifies as being a sequel. To this day, it hurts me to think about it. 

5. Pearl Harbor

  Two words: Micheal Bay. Ever imagined him trying to direct a historical film? Maybe. Ever imagine he would try to use the oppurtunity to remake Titanic and fail in the most miserable way possible? Well, perhaps, but this film proves it. My God is this movie an absolute mess. The fact that it is incredbily slow and boring is one thing, but did it really have to be almost three whole hours long? It doesn't even get to the title event until the last half-hour! So why the hell is this movie called "Pearl Harbor"? It should really be titled, "Watch-These-Terrible-Actors-Weave-A-Boring-And-Stupid-Romance-Plotline-As-You-Wait-For-The-Japanese-To-Show-Up". I want three hours of my life back, and possibly also some validation that the new Transformers film will finally encourage Hollywood to get rid of Micheal Bay once and for all. 

4. Grown-Ups 2

  After seeing this movie's predecessor, I did not imagine it could ever get worse from there. And, like several other films on this list, I was wrong. In this sequel, I did not feel that Adam Sandler was even trying in the slightest. It's like the entire movie is just him laughing while giving us the finger on his left hand, and waving our money back in our face with his right. The studio apparently thought that a few celebrity cameos would help make up for the rest of the problems that the film presents, but they were incorrect. In fact, it kind of makes everything worse. If you value good comedy, avoid this movie. Please.

3. Sharknado

  Some of you may think I am being too nitpicky for putting this movie on the list. Well, you know what? This spot is well-deserved. This is probably the modern equivalent of Plan 9 From Outer Space, which is not exactly a good thing. I don't even know what to say without sounding repetitive: stupid storyline, horrendously campy acting, even worse visual effects, and editing that is of the sloppiest, most awful quality imaginable. The only improvement this film experienced was getting a sequel that was at least a bit more enjoyable. But this one? Painful. Simply put, painful. 

2. Food Fight

  I think I can hear every Hollywood director that is now deceased turning in their graves. Literally, I don't even see how you can call this a film; to use the word would be an insult. Who thought that it would be a good idea to make something that is essentially a two-hour advertisement for giant food corporations? Not only that, the animation is the worst I have ever seen, the puns are obnoxiously idiotic, the sexual undertones make you uncomfortable, and the entire thing just takes bad to a whole new level. Please, if you want to see this, put away anything you can kill yourself with. Because, trust me, you will want to do so after seeing this film. 

1. Plan 9 From Outer Space

   Oh, where do I begin? Everything, no really, everything is wrong with this movie. So much, that Plan 9 is legendary for its poor budget, absolutely ludicrous storyline, and atrocious acting. I give Ed Wood a bit of credit, as he didn't have too much to work with. But the reason I put this at the top of the list is because he actually took this movie seriously. And the fact that he actually saw this as a decent film, and had the gumption to actually put it out for people to watch, is why I name this movie as the worst film of all time. 

Worst Movies Of All Time, #20-11

20. Zookeeper

  From the trailers, this seemed like an interesting enough premise. It was going to feature a talented comedic cast, and though the story was familiar, we hoped that they would put a good spin on the whole premise. Well, truth be told, this movie was straight up pointless, and insanely stupid. Many people would use this film and Mall Cop as examples of Kevin James' sinking career, but at least Mall Cop was entertaining because the characters were likeable. The characters in this film are irritating and one-dimensional as hell. Also, the sudden shift in James' character is too implausible to be at all realistic, making you feel like the movie just doesn't care. And it doesn't. In short, I want two hours of my life back for having sat through this worthless pile of elephant dung. 

19. Planet 51

  I was kind of surprised when I heard this wasn't actually an American film, but then I realized that it wasn't as if other global animation studios were incapable of producing shitty kids movies as well. Even if Pixar or Dreamworks was producing crap around the time this film came out, Planet 51 would still fail to entertain. The jokes are cheesy, the humor tries way too hard, and the overall animation style is kind of ugly. I get that this is a kids movie and that you shouldn't criticize kids movies too hard, but come on, look at the Pixar films. The difference, however, is that Pixar has created memorable cinematic masterpieces, and this movie is neither memorable nor a masterpiece in any shape or form. 

18. Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs

  If you were a kid in the early 2000's like I was, you probably loved the book Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. So I was excited to see how it would translate into a movie. And upon seeing the trailer, I immediately became upset, and this was only compounded by actually viewing the film. The biggest problem in this film is that the magic from the book is gone. In the book, the raining food was a normal part of the town, which made it whimsical. Here, it is just the result of an invention gone somewhat-wrong. Really, the story is not intriguing or interesting at all, and it has been done to death. This setup is the overused "kid-misfit-does-something-right-and-shoves-it-in-everyone's-face-but-stuff-goes-wrong-and-he-becomes-the-hero" story formula. It is a complete and utter insult to the source material, and is loaded with stupid moments, one-dimensional characters, and some downright annoying animation. Please avoid this one unless you want to be left with a bad taste in your mouth. 

17. Piranha 3-D 

  Yes, I get that this is a cheap horror movie. Yes, I get that this was probably done for comedic purposes. Yes, I get that everyone knows that it's stupid, and they try to enjoy it anyway. But despite all of these things, I still hated this movie. It was just all-around dumb. The story was dull, the characters were too annoying to be likeable, and the entire movie was just a mistake. You may think I am judging it too harshly, and that I should sit back and enjoy it for the fact that it doesn't take itself seriously, but it is impossible for me to do so. These types of horror-comedies only appeal to a specific demographic, and it is one that I am not a part of. Senseless and ludicrous, this film should be skipped. 

16. Sharknado 2: The Second One

  This film is like if Pirahna 3-D had a much lower budget, and replaced their screewriters with five-year-old boys writing short stories about monsters and robots. To be fair, it is a slight improvement over the first film (much like the second Purge movie), which is why it is a little higher up on the list. This film still has all of the elements that made Sharknado suprisingly entertaining (in a ridiculous way), from the corny acting to the overdone clichès and horrendous editing. However, it is a slight improvement only through the celebrity cameos, which are fairly enjoyable, but do little to save this film. Is it funny? Yes, but only if you are willing to turn your brain off and sit through the rest of this turkey. 

15. Jaws 3D 

  This was the point in the Jaws franchise where they clearly gave up. I mean, not that they hadn't already given up, considering the quality of the last few sequels, but this one really hit the "shitfest" nail on the head. The effects are laughable, the acting is crap, and the story is asinine. (Seaworld, really?) If a film exists solely to market 3-D effects, then it should not even exist at all. What a waste of celluloid and money. In fact, the money spent on this film could have gone to help charities. Think about that.

14. Scooby-Doo

  Remember a few moments ago when I talked about Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs being an insult to the original source material? Yes, well, Scooby-Doo did the exact same thing. This film was one of the many live-action kids movies from the early 2000's that ended up as a pile of shit. I think this is mainly due to how, at the time, they were taking animated concepts and making them into live-action movies, which seriously confused and annoyed people. Why mess with success? Did classic stories like Scooby-Doo and Alvin And The Chipmunks really call to be live-action? Plus, the animated Scooby is downright terrifying, and it seriously repelled my interest in seeing it as a kid. To add insult to injury, this trend has not died out: a live-action film based on Jem And The Holograms will be coming out within a few years. And judging by what happened to Scooby (and others), it can be assumed that the film will not turn out well. Please, Hollywood, prove me wrong. 

13. Despicable Me 2

  Yeah, I understand that I will get a lot of hate for this one. But really, I just didn't enjoy it. The minions humor was overdone to the point of them not being cute anymore, and that problem was just the tip of the iceberg. The story was bland, the dialogue was annoyingly dumbed-down, and the overall animation and coloration was just...a nuisance. Really, I felt like I had fallen into some kind of Play-Dough fueled nightmare. This movie comes off as having the appearance of a kids show rather than a movie that both adults and children can enjoy. And the jokes have been seen before, so it is not like we are watching anything remotely exciting. I didn't like this film, and personally I found it unfunny. 

12. Home On The Range

   If you ever meet a person who claims that Disney has never half-assed a movie, show them Home On The Range. This has honestly got to be one of the most forgettable animated films in existence. The animation is weird, the characters are boring, and the entire premise is too thin to be compelling or exciting. I am going with Nostalgia Critic here: "Oh. My. God, do I hate this film!" A true disappointment on Disney's part, especially since they have set such a high bar for themselves. I don't even remember a lot about this movie, and that is probably a good thing. There is simply nothing that will stick with you, as compared to other Disney films. 

11. High School Musical

  I feel that you either loved or hated these movies. While I knew a lot of people who enjoyed them and surrounded themselves (and myself) with them, I couldn't bring myself to like this movie, much less any of the sequels. It is way too corny, way too clichèd, way too bloated with everything that ever made high school media representations to come off as ridiculous and juvenile. What else do you expect from a name like High School Musical? For some, this will bring back a lot of nostalgia. But personally, it just rips open a bunch of annoying memories. And I would rather not go through that again. 

50 Worst Movies Of All Time, #30-21

30. Epic Movie (come to think of it, anything by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg)

  Seltzer/Friedberg films have become the bane of Hollywood. Not only are their movies way too over-the-top, nonsensical, ludicrous, crude, and terribly unfunny, but if a parody of something is worse than the actual thing being made fun of, something is most definitely wrong. I really only saw Epic Movie because I was a stupid kid and it was playing at a party. Even then I didn't get it. I suppose the stupidity of these films appeal to a certain demographic, but anyone with an IQ of 40 or over has learned to avoid these movies altogether. And so have I. 

29. The Adventures Of Shark-Boy And Lava Girl 

  Just so you are aware, this film was made by the same guy who did the Spy Kids films. And it was for this reason that I tried to avoid Sharkboy And Lavagirl as a kid. But, as luck would have it, it happened to be playing at a friend's house, and since there was nothing else to watch I ended up sitting down for it. Or at least, for the first half, because that was all I could stand. I literally felt my IQ drop as the story progressed, and I hated how everything was dumbed down so much that it seemed like the director did not take kids to be as smart as they actually tend to be. (By comparison, Pixar films tend to succeed in treating the audience as intelligent.) Corny, cheesy, and littered with horrible acting, stupid gimmicks, and lackluster effects, I am thankful that this movie was forgotten soon after it was released. 

28. The Cat In The Hat

  Some argue that Mike Meyers' career was in the crapper before this film. But I believe that this is the film that really marked the epic downfall of his comedic reputation. This film failed through the same way that most terrible kids movies fall flat: trying way, way too hard to get a laugh. I get that movies for children need to have adult jokes for the parents, but it has to be done in a way where it isn't smacking you in the face with its raunchiness and over-the-top nature. Rango did this just fine, but the same cannot be said for this movie. I feel like the classic children's book this movie was based off of was practically raped with a stick wrapped in barbed wire. Literally, there are minimal facets of this movie that are at all salvageable. You don't feel invested, you just feel increduibly irritated. Unfortunately, this was not the last Dr. Suess classic to be gutted and horrendously violated. Which brings us to...

27. The Lorax

  Who would've thought that a movie about anti-consumerism and environmentalism would be so blatantly promoted and abused that its message became ironic? Well, that's Hollywood marketing for you, I guess. I did not get why they chose to execute the film in the way that they did. The entire premise felt like they were more concerned with getting in with the "hip" crowd rather than staying true to the heart of the classic book. So this film failed like most of the Suess adaptations. Plus, it was packed with unlikeable and boring characters, ugly cinematography, and an all-around confusing message. Hopefully, Hollywood has developed enough sense by now to forget about ruining another classic Dr. Suess book. 

26. Judy Moody And The Not Bummer Summer

  Fuck this movie! No, seriously. I was actually interested in getting to see it, and it was so unbearably disappointing that I felt deprived. Where was my quirky adaptation of a beloved children's novel? Why didn't this movie turn out as endearing as Diary Of A Wimpy Kid? Well, mainly it's because the film doesn't think you are all that smart. The jokes are dumb, the dialogue is irritatingly annoying, and the characters are so unlikeable it will drive you nuts. And just as an added note, I hated the color palette for this film; far too bright, and it makes it seem like everything is shouting at you. It's not funny, it's not cute, and it isn't at all memorable. Skip it! 

25. Bride Wars

  If you are a feminist, avert your eyes. This is probably the biggest woman-hating movie I have ever seen. What am I saying? Well, the entire premise is based on the sexist stereotype that women become catty and materialistic when it comes down to who gets the better Barbie. In the beginning, we felt invested in the two girls because they had a solid friendship. So how does it make sense that they are willing to destroy that completely just for a stupid wedding? Really, this entire movie will make you feel that Alice Paul and Susan B. Anthony just rolled in their graves. I seriously think that the Women's Movement was sent back a few years when this film came out. If you enjoy females acting like emotional, catty bitches, check this film out. But since I want to keep my food in my stomach, I will avoid it again in the future.

24. The Pink Panther

  I have recently put Steve Martin on my list of "Comedic Actors Who Made Some Really Awful Movie Choices", right next to Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, and Jim Carrey. My God, what happened to all of these actors? I know they are funny, I have seen them be funny. Here, Steve Martin could not be further from his element. In my opinion, he tends to work best as a cocky and sarastic father figure, as that always gets a lot of laughs. But this performance was painful. Straight-up painful. the weird mannerisms, the horrid accent, everything about it is corny and wrong. Newflash, Hollywood: please stop helping good comedians ruin their careers. 

23. Chicken Little 

  If you have ever thought that Disney was incapable of making a bad movie, chances are you changed your mind when you saw Chicken Little. To be fair, it wasn't as terrible as some other animated films are, but still, Disney has set the bar high for itself, and this movie falls flat. I feel that the film was either trying too hard or not trying enough. The jokes, and really the entire concept, is confusing, and most of the film feels incomplete. Plus, I am completely bewildered as to why they went in the direction of aliens, like, really Hollywood, is that your solution to everything? All I can say is that there was nothing terribly special about this film, and as a result, it comes off as a boring, generic kids movie. Certainly not Disney or even Dreamworks caliber. 

22. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

   Is there really anything else that needs to be said, judging by the title? This film is one of the many horrendous Christmas specials that somehow came to fruitition over the years. The video quality and design for this is absolutely terrible, so much so that the obviously low budget is laughable. The problem with Christmas movies is that they are usually a hit or miss. This one is most definitely a miss. Who even came up with this stupid concept? Never before have I seen a film that had taken the concepts of Christmas joy, Santa Claus, and good-will-onto-men, and completely shit all over it in one atrocious film. If I could even call it a film, for the word implies at least some decent credibility, and this turkey deserves very little. 

21. Alvin And The Chipmunks 

  When this film came out, I seriously figured that I was going to hate it. And lo and behold, I did. Yet another really, really stupid kids movie. I mean, why do they always feel compelled to make movies solely bent on stupid jokes that don't require the kids to think? You aren't really helping anyone by making them feel dumber after watching it. If the studio spent this much time and money on the animation for the chipmunks, they could have at least developed a story that hadn't been done to death and wasn't riddled with clichès. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. 

Top 50 Worst Movies, #40-31

40. Spider-Man 3

  This film actually wasn't too bad when I watched it as a kid. Then I watched it a few years later, and...yeah, I began to see why people are annoyed by it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the effects and the cinematography, but the real weakness of the film is its complexity. There are too many stry layers, too many villains, too much going on. It takes away from the fight scenes that make superhero movies great, which is a letdown. And don't even get me started on the scene where Peter Parker did a Saturday Night Fever strut through NYC. 

39. The Purge

  I was very excited to see this film. By the way it was promoted, the entire story was going to be new, smart, and engaging. Sadly, it turned out to be none of those things. Instead of expanding upon the interesting premise, the story was afraid to take the risk and decided instead to dumb itself down into become a cheap home invasion movie that we have seen a million times before. Plus, a lot of the story elements are nonsensical and the acting comes off as corny and ridiculous rather than tense. The only bright side to this was at least it resulted in a slightly better sequel. 

38. Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

  Upon seeing the trailer for this, I had two thoughts, my first thought being, "Oh, so they are trying to revive the Indy movies. Okay, that's cool." My second thought, which took on a whole different meaning after seeing the film, was, "Why?" Why, indeed. Why does this film even exist? I get that they are trying to introduce Indiana Jones to a newer generation, but what was stopping them from just re-releasing the original films in theaters? This movie has such a massive ego that it comes off as in-your-face rather than entertaining, and pretentious rather than fun, which is saying a lot when the entire premise is based off of a conspiracy theory. (A really, really ridiculous conspiracy theory.) And that ending, my goodness, who thought that would be a decent ending? Though this movie was a financial success, it still comes off years later as a contrived money-making device rather than a compelling film. 

37. Happy Feet

  This was the movie that made my parents question why they ever took us to see children's films. Come to think of it, I didn't even like this movie when I saw it, and I was a kid when it came out. While I understand that the penguins idea appealed to younger audiences, that is kind of the only thing the movie has going for it. There are so many serious themes about pollution and endangered species and politics that you wonder if you are even watching a kid's movie anymore. Plus, the near-ending with the protagonist facing his colony again left me confused, as the morals got kind of mixed up somewhere. In reality, this is one really messed up movie, and far too heavy on the environmental messages to be anywhere near as enjoyable as any other lighthearted kid's movie. 

36. Wrath Of The Titans

  To be fair, I give the first film, Clash Of The Titans, a bit of credit. Sure, it was campy as hell, but it kind of knew it was campy, and therefore was a bit easier to enjoy. Here, they took the original premise and added about seven thousand pounds of extra cheesiness. Only, the cheese doesn't even taste good; it's basically stale. The acting is ludicrous, the premise is full of cliches, and really, the entire film went back and forth from being too slow to incredibly rushed. What results is a heap of sloppy visual effects and cluttered cinematography that will annoy anyone who watches it. 

35. Emperor

  Okay, I still can't answer the one question about this movie: what is this film supposed to be about? Its title is "Emperor", but it was advertised as really being about General Douglas MacArthur, yet it actually turned out to be focusing on a U.S WWII soldier who is trying to find the girl he fell in love with while stationed in Japan. Really, I can only think, huh?  What a confusing film. It was like none of the department heads for this production even spoke with each other and just went along with their own ideas. The pacing is weird, and it cuts back and forth between the soldier and the emperor and MacArthur so much that--well, I don't even know what I am supposed to be caring about. While some people got this movie, it was far too choppy and confusing for me. But since it does have a bit of credible acting and cinematography, it is higher up on the list for not being too terrible. 

34. The Wicker Man

  Forget, "Not the bees!", it's more like, "Not the Wicker Man!" Yes, this movie kind of sucked big time. I give it credit for trying to be something new, but it just doesn't come together as well as it thinks it does. The story and characters are pulled in all types of pointless directions instead of developing properly, and the entire film is so focused on trying to pull the rug out from under people, it loses common sense. I like Nicholas Cage as much as anyone, but this was a poor choice on his part. And if you search his comments on this film on Wikipedia, you will see that he admits this as well. So that is really saying a lot about this movie. It's really just a stinkburger with a flower crown on top. 

33. The Mummy Returns and The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor

  I am going to be lumping these movies (and several other, future movies on this list) together because they were equally terrible. And, to my suprise, they were kind of terrible in the same ways. Same cliches and overdone archetypes, same lazy directing, same horrible, horrible special effects. I mean, really, did you think anything different when you saw that awful rendering job they did on the Scorpion King? He does not look like an undead creature; he looks like Dwayne Johnson if a five-year-old used Photoshop to edit a Windows screensaver onto his lower half. Plus, the acting is as campy and corny as it gets, and some of the dialogue comes off as trying to insult classic adventure films, rather than actually trying to be one. I am just astonished that they didn't learn enough from The Mummy Returns to avoid the same mistakes in Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor. In fact, the third movie is a culmination of all of the problems in the Mummy films, magnified about a hundred times over. Not good, and not entertaining in the slightest. 

32. Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

  This film would have worked great as some sort of sketch comedy spin-off of The Blair Witch Project. But as a full-length film? It fails, and fails so hard it is practically embedded in the bottom of the barrel. There is almost nothing salvageable about this film. The most insulting aspect is that it had almost nothing to do with the first movie at all, and does not even have a coherent story, villain, or motivation. Literally, is this even a movie, or just a bunch of deleted scenes left over from the Scary Movie franchise? You don't care about the characters, you don't care about what they do, you don't care about anything. Plus, the film quality is shit. Pure, absolute shit. It is no wonder why they have been trying to cover up the existence of this film ever since it came out.

31. Saw IV/Saw V/Saw VI

  Again, I am lumping these together because they are equally shitty. I liked the first Saw, the second one was somewhat decent, the third one was just okay, and all of the rest (except for the seventh film, because that was actually my favorite) progressively went down in quality. Especially considering that these particular three films went off in a completely alienating and confusing direction in terms of story and characters, they came off as being cash cows instead of the original piece of cinema that the first movie turned out to be. Plus, the franchise has been tossed from person to person, and the gap in creativity and motivation really shows its ugly head in these movies. The only thing I admire about these films are the traps. But it would have been better if the characters placed inside them were people that I actually became invested in. And since I did not, I spent my time wondering when each of these movies would finally be over.