Seltzer/Friedberg films have become the bane of Hollywood. Not only are their movies way too over-the-top, nonsensical, ludicrous, crude, and terribly unfunny, but if a parody of something is worse than the actual thing being made fun of, something is most definitely wrong. I really only saw Epic Movie because I was a stupid kid and it was playing at a party. Even then I didn't get it. I suppose the stupidity of these films appeal to a certain demographic, but anyone with an IQ of 40 or over has learned to avoid these movies altogether. And so have I.
29. The Adventures Of Shark-Boy And Lava Girl
Just so you are aware, this film was made by the same guy who did the Spy Kids films. And it was for this reason that I tried to avoid Sharkboy And Lavagirl as a kid. But, as luck would have it, it happened to be playing at a friend's house, and since there was nothing else to watch I ended up sitting down for it. Or at least, for the first half, because that was all I could stand. I literally felt my IQ drop as the story progressed, and I hated how everything was dumbed down so much that it seemed like the director did not take kids to be as smart as they actually tend to be. (By comparison, Pixar films tend to succeed in treating the audience as intelligent.) Corny, cheesy, and littered with horrible acting, stupid gimmicks, and lackluster effects, I am thankful that this movie was forgotten soon after it was released.
28. The Cat In The Hat
Some argue that Mike Meyers' career was in the crapper before this film. But I believe that this is the film that really marked the epic downfall of his comedic reputation. This film failed through the same way that most terrible kids movies fall flat: trying way, way too hard to get a laugh. I get that movies for children need to have adult jokes for the parents, but it has to be done in a way where it isn't smacking you in the face with its raunchiness and over-the-top nature. Rango did this just fine, but the same cannot be said for this movie. I feel like the classic children's book this movie was based off of was practically raped with a stick wrapped in barbed wire. Literally, there are minimal facets of this movie that are at all salvageable. You don't feel invested, you just feel increduibly irritated. Unfortunately, this was not the last Dr. Suess classic to be gutted and horrendously violated. Which brings us to...
27. The Lorax
Who would've thought that a movie about anti-consumerism and environmentalism would be so blatantly promoted and abused that its message became ironic? Well, that's Hollywood marketing for you, I guess. I did not get why they chose to execute the film in the way that they did. The entire premise felt like they were more concerned with getting in with the "hip" crowd rather than staying true to the heart of the classic book. So this film failed like most of the Suess adaptations. Plus, it was packed with unlikeable and boring characters, ugly cinematography, and an all-around confusing message. Hopefully, Hollywood has developed enough sense by now to forget about ruining another classic Dr. Suess book.
26. Judy Moody And The Not Bummer Summer
Fuck this movie! No, seriously. I was actually interested in getting to see it, and it was so unbearably disappointing that I felt deprived. Where was my quirky adaptation of a beloved children's novel? Why didn't this movie turn out as endearing as Diary Of A Wimpy Kid? Well, mainly it's because the film doesn't think you are all that smart. The jokes are dumb, the dialogue is irritatingly annoying, and the characters are so unlikeable it will drive you nuts. And just as an added note, I hated the color palette for this film; far too bright, and it makes it seem like everything is shouting at you. It's not funny, it's not cute, and it isn't at all memorable. Skip it!
25. Bride Wars
If you are a feminist, avert your eyes. This is probably the biggest woman-hating movie I have ever seen. What am I saying? Well, the entire premise is based on the sexist stereotype that women become catty and materialistic when it comes down to who gets the better Barbie. In the beginning, we felt invested in the two girls because they had a solid friendship. So how does it make sense that they are willing to destroy that completely just for a stupid wedding? Really, this entire movie will make you feel that Alice Paul and Susan B. Anthony just rolled in their graves. I seriously think that the Women's Movement was sent back a few years when this film came out. If you enjoy females acting like emotional, catty bitches, check this film out. But since I want to keep my food in my stomach, I will avoid it again in the future.
24. The Pink Panther
I have recently put Steve Martin on my list of "Comedic Actors Who Made Some Really Awful Movie Choices", right next to Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, and Jim Carrey. My God, what happened to all of these actors? I know they are funny, I have seen them be funny. Here, Steve Martin could not be further from his element. In my opinion, he tends to work best as a cocky and sarastic father figure, as that always gets a lot of laughs. But this performance was painful. Straight-up painful. the weird mannerisms, the horrid accent, everything about it is corny and wrong. Newflash, Hollywood: please stop helping good comedians ruin their careers.
23. Chicken Little
If you have ever thought that Disney was incapable of making a bad movie, chances are you changed your mind when you saw Chicken Little. To be fair, it wasn't as terrible as some other animated films are, but still, Disney has set the bar high for itself, and this movie falls flat. I feel that the film was either trying too hard or not trying enough. The jokes, and really the entire concept, is confusing, and most of the film feels incomplete. Plus, I am completely bewildered as to why they went in the direction of aliens, like, really Hollywood, is that your solution to everything? All I can say is that there was nothing terribly special about this film, and as a result, it comes off as a boring, generic kids movie. Certainly not Disney or even Dreamworks caliber.
22. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
Is there really anything else that needs to be said, judging by the title? This film is one of the many horrendous Christmas specials that somehow came to fruitition over the years. The video quality and design for this is absolutely terrible, so much so that the obviously low budget is laughable. The problem with Christmas movies is that they are usually a hit or miss. This one is most definitely a miss. Who even came up with this stupid concept? Never before have I seen a film that had taken the concepts of Christmas joy, Santa Claus, and good-will-onto-men, and completely shit all over it in one atrocious film. If I could even call it a film, for the word implies at least some decent credibility, and this turkey deserves very little.
21. Alvin And The Chipmunks
When this film came out, I seriously figured that I was going to hate it. And lo and behold, I did. Yet another really, really stupid kids movie. I mean, why do they always feel compelled to make movies solely bent on stupid jokes that don't require the kids to think? You aren't really helping anyone by making them feel dumber after watching it. If the studio spent this much time and money on the animation for the chipmunks, they could have at least developed a story that hadn't been done to death and wasn't riddled with clichès. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
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