Hello, all! I am back for winter break with more time to write posts. So of course I'm going to give my first winter post the honor of being the review of probably the worst movie I have seen in weeks. (Yes, I am calling it a movie because it in no way deserves to be called a film).
I did have the intention of seeing Tarantino's The Hateful Eight this week, but considering that it actually comes out in a few days, and it was also Bargain Tuesday at the movie theater, my family chose to see this instead. And let me just say that upon walking into the theater, I saw a large amount of small children in the seats and knew exactly what type of comedy this was going to be.
Before I start tearing it apart, let me give a basic synopsis: Will Ferrell is married to a woman with two young kids, and their biological father, Mark Wahlberg, decides to drop by one day (no concrete reason as to why; we just know that he's the dad and he has come to see the kids right the fuck out of nowhere). Hijinks ensue as the dads "compete" for the attention and adoration of the wife and kids.
If you just read that and thought, "That sounds like a basic setup for any bad comedy that could be made in this era", then you'd be correct. This concept has been done to death a thousand times and the movie has nothing original to offer in any way whatsoever. You've got your basic setup of a nice white family with two kids and a big house with a white picket fence who are all exposed to some less-than-normal occurrences which should make for some yuk-yuk moments. Oh, and let's not forget that this Hollywood package comes with the quintessential bland caricatures (and no, I don't mean characters): the overworked corporate dad, the pushover attractive suburban wife, the irresponsible badass who acts juvenile and throws caution to the wind, the painfully unfunny boss who tries to help with problems and only makes them worse, and the annoying children whose love for their parents is based blatantly on materialism. (And to add a small sidenote: there is not one, but two moments in the movie where the characters basically pull a Ford commercial out of their ass by mentioning the model by name and saying things like "it gets me everywhere" and "it's great on gas". I swear by all things holy that I am not joking about this. It was the most obviously desperate product placement I have ever seen in any movie ever. And I watched Man of Steel!) I choose to not call them "characters" because that word implies that some thought was actually put into their construction. And none of these cardboard cutouts exemplified that in any way. I'd have to say that the mom character annoyed me the most: she was such a pushover that every time she was onscreen, I felt like punching her in the face. She was completely insignificant and did nothing at any point in the movie to appropriately react to the conflict or even attempt to resolve it. Yes, I'll point out that towards the end, we get the whole confrontation between her and the dads where she scolds them for not being there for the daughter, but it is delivered so late that it feels completely forced and absurd. I did not have as much of a problem with Wahlberg and Ferrell, even though I thought their chemistry was off in a lot of places, but there was also the issue with their performances feeling completely phoned-in; there was not a single moment in the movie where I felt that they were doing this for something other than a simple paycheck. And this is sad, because I know that both men are capable actors when they are presented with the right environment to showcase their talent, something that was definitely lacking here. The children both sucked in their performances, and yes I know I should lay off of them a bit because they're just kids, but we also have to consider that their characters were incredibly one-dimensional, inconsistent, and downright annoying during every single moment they were on screen. I don't even think they were meant to be characters; they were just props for the adult characters to use in order to move the story along.
I found myself having two main thoughts while watching this, the first being, "I should be watching the Tarantino film right now," and "I'd take a root canal over sitting through another five minutes of this shit." I actually tuned out for about twenty minutes and put on my earbuds in an attempt to drown out the cinematic diarrhea that was being splattered all over the screen. Only when I realized that this was futile did I consider strangling myself in an attempt to pass out completely and therefore become oblivious to this eye-rape. Seriously; Lars Von Trier could've shit out a better movie on a sick day.
A common criticism people tend to hear when they rip on bad movies is that they need to learn to "enjoy" movies more or be more easily "entertained". Which begs the question: does a movie have to be insultingly absurd and painfully mediocre to be "enjoyed"? Is "enjoyment" or "entertainment" of the movie based on how many pee jokes, slapstick moments, and sexual innuendos a movie can cram into its runtime, rather than calculating enjoyment from well-written characters and plot? So in other words, the reason good movies do well is not due to the fact that they are thought-provoking or that people enjoy them, but because they are just a good way to waste money and look at pretty pictures for two hours. Maybe "good movies" like Schindler's List or The Shawshank Redemption would've done a lot better if they added some fart jokes and crotch hits, right? Who cares about getting immersed in the film through deep characters and emotionally-driven story when you can have quick-and-easy sex jokes and lowbrow humor? The thing is, when you go to a movie, you vote with your wallet; picking this kind of crap over a film that was actually crafted with care insinuates that you believe that the former is preferable to the latter, that the Hollywood cash-grab is worth your hard-earned money. And no, I am also not trying to imply that all comedies with slapstick and humor are to be avoided (hell, Anchorman and Monty Python are great). It's just that when you have so many better candidates to chose from, why "vote" for the one that is the weakest?
Don't get me wrong; I can stand to watch bad movies if there is evidence that an iota of effort went into the special effects or production design. I watch Sucker Punch every so often, and I don't mind viewing a Roland Emmerich film if it's on TV and there is literally nothing else to watch. But this is only if they are at least bad dramas. It's like the saying goes: "Bad drama makes for good comedy, but bad comedy is useless." And thus, this movie is definitely useless and ultimately forgettable in every instance of the word. It's a waste of time, a waste of money, and a waste of brain cells. Please do not squander your time or money; take my advice and go see Star Wars or The Hateful Eight instead.
Overall Rating: 3/10
