For the last six years, I have had many labels thrown in my direction.
"Perfectionist"
"Type-A"
"Extremely organized"
"Overachiever"
And to be fair, I have by and large taken all of these as compliments, like I'm sure anyone would. I mean, because since my generation is so apparently lazy, that I should be damn proud of myself for constantly going at 100 miles an hour, right? Why, I should revel in the fact that I am setting myself apart from other teenagers my age (given decades-long stereotypes)!
Except, as Alexandra Robbins pointed out, my generation has become the complete opposite of that. Our culture has denigrated into a gigantic "education" factory in which teenagers are expected to churn out perfect test scores, papers, AP exams, and community service hours in order to prove to the world that you can play with the big boys (the big boys being the adults). The results are staggering: teen suicide has soared, hours of sleep have gone down, and the stakes rise a little bit each time a new generation comes through the machine.
I did try to avoid this sickening culture for as long as I could, but the peer pressure proved to be too much for myself and my parents (exacerbated by the elitist environment of our small town). Thus, beginning in grade 9, I joined the cult and became an "overachiever". High school nurtured this to no end: so many clubs to be president of, so many papers to edit to perfection, so many ways to help your community, even if it's just for the sake of a college application! We were truly the embodiment of the Affluent White American's Dream.
Only thing is, there have been studies that suggest that this type of grade-driven marathon stops short in college, as kids experience a severe burnout, or worse. And as I entered community college, I only had to scroll through Facebook to see evidence of this. Kids who had been at the top of my grade were dropping out and coming back home after realizing that they spent more time trying to get into a college instead of actually sitting down and really thinking about what they were going to study once they got there. It was almost a disappointment to see all these "promising" kids become far too overwhelmed to actually become involved in what they had supposedly worked years for.
However, for me, I didn't slow down; I upped the ante. I often debate why this mentality began to grow stronger within my two years at community college. Maybe it was due to the fact that I felt I needed to prove myself to a higher standard, given that a stigma is prevalent in my town against community college and trade school. For the first year, this actually worked well. I made Dean's List. I was able to balance work and school easily. I used resources to my advantage and got out of my comfort zone a bit. And it would have been fine if I had just stayed like that.
But then came the second year at community college, and things began to go a little differently. I switched my job to one at the college, which paid better and allowed me to do homework when it was slow. Only problem is, the hours were longer, and I had to get up earlier and leave later; by the spring semester, I left home at 7AM and got home at close to 8 or 9PM on most days. On the weekends, I buried myself in schoolwork, since those were the only days I had off. If I had time off, and wasn't studying or reading, then I felt guilty and utterly disgusted with myself that I was wasting time that could've been spent trying to go the extra mile.
I didn't forsee the consequences at first. In the fall semester, I began to cut myself to relieve stress. I kept Post-Its by the bed because I often lay awake worrying about things that were due, and it helped me gain a sense of control just to write it down. I studied like a madwoman for every test and quiz, and if I got anything less than a perfect score I would beat myself the entire way home over what I could have possibly done wrong. Not to mention that my acid reflux came back, something that had gone away in my first year of college and I had not seen since my senior year of highschool. By graduation, I was practically a zombie: a sleep-deprived, anxiety-driven, reading and writing machine that was about to explode. Luckily, there was a payoff in that I was accepted into the film program at the college I was hoping to get into. Which brings me to a reflection on how my overachieving went over with my professors during my first semester.
At Purchase, little changed, and again I pushed myself even further: I made a gigantic schedule of every single little assignment I would have to do, and basically made a resolution to not rest or relax until every single one was done and handed in. This worked out great for class readings, even though I discovered that reading too far ahead actually becomes a problem, since you basically have to read it again, yet I didn't correct this behavior. I also jumped on my other film assignments, filming less than a week after the project was discussed and churning out short film screenplays in just a few hours. It was only when my Film Workshop professor sent me my evaluation did I wake up to what was happening to me.
In her email, she did admit that I was a diligent student and that this was fine. However, she also added that having a "get-it-done" mentality 100% of the time would prove problematic for filmmaking projects. If I did not allow my projects to work themselves out and breathe, then they would fail. There would be no life to them. And what director wants that?
I took some time to evaluate my behavior after what she said, and I realized that she was right. I knew my obsessive nature resulted in lack of sleep, anxiety, and constantly writing and re-writing to-do lists for EVERYTHING (even things that were months or years away), but she really made me face what was going on.
So, because of this, I want you to evaluate your own behavior. Read through this set of questions and try to consider my suggestions below.
For each question, answer "Yes" or "No":
- Do you constantly try to attain perfection with every single thing I do?
- Is yout planner overflowing with not just appointments, but assignments and other random reminders for very simple tasks that you otherwise don't trust yourself to just remember?
- Are you afraid to trust others to do their share of the work when in a group project setting? (Add an extra "yes" if you secretly have the ambition to do the entire project yourself).
- Do you feel that you are often in competition with your peers?
- Do you have a constant drive to do everything in the shortest amount of time possible?
- Do you often lie in bed worrying about assignments?
- Do you write reminders for simple tasks, and then re-write them over and over again because you are terrified of forgetting things?
- Are you afraid of being "average" in any way?
- Are you afraid of failure? (Be honest)
- Are you extremely self-critical about even the most insignificant things?
- Do you become irrationally envious when others do something better than you did?
- Do you consider anything below "first place" to be a failure?
- Do you feel guilty when you relax or do unproductive activities to unwind, because you feel you could be using the time to work on an assignment?
- Do you have a million side projects that you are working on at the same time as your other work, despite how much time they all demand?
- Do you find it hard to congratulate yourself when you complete a difficult project, because your focus is only on the next thing you have to do?
- Do you have catastrophic thoughts? (Ex. You forget to study, and then you tell yourself that because of this, you will fail the class, and then won't graduate, and then won't get a job, and on and on.)
- Is "tired" now just a consistent part of your personality?
- Do you make gigantic to-do lists and plan out every single minute of every single day?
- Do you do this a week or more in advance?
- Do you plan out your outfits a week in advance?
- Do you make very meticulous and detailed plans for things you see yourself doing years from now?
- Are you consistently too "early" for things and don't consider this to be an issue?
- Are you overtly judgemental of others, but are fragile when it comes to people giving you their own critiques?
- Do you pump yourself up to be invincible, when in reality you worry about every single thing you think about?
- Do you engage in harmful behaviors to cope with stress?
- Have you thought about running away or killing yourself due to stress?
- Do you often have emotional breakdowns and wonder what you are doing with your life?
- Do you have persistent feelings about never amounting to anything, because there will always be someone better than you?
- Do you feel crushed if you don't do something perfect on your first try?
- And finally: Do you have the mentality that you need to be the best at absolutely everything and do absolutely everything and do it right goddamn now and you aren't going to settle for anything less?
If you answered "Yes" to ten or more of these questions, there is a good chance you have caught the "Overachiever" bug and are on your way to a massive burnout. Now is your chance to slow down; understand that it will be difficult, but keep in mind that you cannot do it alone. If you don't focus and breathe, your work will suffer. You will suffer. And what is the payoff? Well, if you have the overachiever mentality, there appears to be no payoff. Thus, we have a huge problem: if there is no reward, why do it? Why push yourself beyond your personal limits to the point where everything has to be a certain way, and it can't be anything else?
I would say something like "Hakuna Matata", even though it's cliche, but even so, take it to heart: not a lot of stuff in this world is worth worrying about. I mean yes, if your life is in danger or you don't know where you're next meal is coming from, by all means feel free to worry about that. But for those of us who have those necessities, and only need to worry about work performance and grades, all I can say is this: CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Life will move too fast for you to be a part of it.
Now if you'll excuse me....I have to try and take my own advice.
Long post, guys....I needed to vent, and it worked!
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